Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 15 — For All The Marbles

I’ve been pretty crappy about posting the recaps during the week, and for that I apologize. Hartley won last week with an impressive 4-3 record. The Humans, thanks again to another sub-par effort by Katie, finished 4-10, evening up the overall standings as we head to the final regular season week of college football.

So this is it. It’s Championship weekend, where conference winners, BCS title contenders and Hartley vs. the Humans victors will be decided. This is for bragging rights, folks.

As always, the spreads are courtesy of 5Dimes.

 

Auburn (-2) vs. Missouri

Brian: Surely Auburn can’t lose to Missouri, right? The Tigers had a miracle answered in two consecutive games with the Hail Mary catch against Georgia (Prayer in Jordan Hare) and the 109-yard field goal miss for touchdown against Alabama (War Damn Miracle). As a fan of rhymes, I like the Prayer in Jordan Hare better myself. Surely a team this blessed can’t fall on its face and lose to Missouri when a shot at a national title is at stake, right?!? Wrong. Missouri – yes, Missouri – the come-from-nowhere team in the SEC East (even though it’s the most western school in the SEC) takes the conference crown and gets a chance to play for the national title if…

Katie: After the last few weeks of truly dismal picking, I’m a little afraid of how bad these picks are going to be this week. So on that note, I’m going with Auburn to beat the spread here. Hopefully by a lot.

Hartley:

 

Ohio State (-5.5) vs. Michigan State

Brian: The Buckeyes need to win just one more game and chances are they play for the national title. That one game, though, is against a strong Sparty team at Michigan State. While Ohio State has a 24-game winning streak, it still has yet to beat a top-10 ranked team in that stretch. Michigan State in ranked No. 10. That streak continues. Sparty wins and BCS chaos ensues.

Katie: I’m going to go with Michigan State to beat the spread but Ohio State to win because I really, really want total BCS chaos in the last year before the mini-playoffs start. It’ll be funny if tOSU is held out of the BCS by a one loss SEC team (Auburn), assuming AU wins by a lot.

Hartley:

Duke vs. Florida State (-29)

Brian: Seminoles, rejoice! Jameis Winston didn’t commit rape!!!! Or, well, he didn’t get charged with rape by a comedic state attorney at the press conference, so who knows what he did or didn’t do. But whatever happened, he’ll play on Saturday for a chance to get him and the Noles in the BCS title game. Florida State has been crushing opponents by 30 points after the first quarter. Surely Duke won’t do anything, right? RIGHT!?!!
I’m taking Duke. I don’t know if the Blue Devils will win (probably not), but they’ll beat the spread, and I’m opening the door for a historic upset.

Katie: That is an embarrassingly huge spread for a conference championship game. Granted, Jameis Winston might need a big win to make Heisman voters forget what he may or may not have done last year. And Duke typically is truly terrible in football. Still, I’m going to go with Duke to beat the spread.

Hartley:

 

Oklahoma vs. Oklahoma State (-9.5)

Brian: Oklahoma State has a very, VERY long shot at getting into the BCS title game. The Cowboys needs Florida State, Ohio State and Auburn to lose, and then hope a win against Oklahoma will vault them past Alabama and the other new one-loss teams. Sorry, Gundy, you lost to West Virginia. You don’t get any confidence from me. Oklahoma beats the spread.

Katie: I keep forgetting the Big 12 is still a thing. I’m going with Oklahoma here for nostalgia’s sake. Anybody remember when this game would have been important? Teams would have to be deemed ineligible for a Big 12 team (OSU or Baylor) to make it to the BCS championship.

Hartley:

Stanford vs. Arizona State (-3)

Brian: Oregon didn’t want the Rose Bowl, and so they’re out. Now it’s up to the Cardinal and the Sun Devils to see who will play in the Granddaddy of Them All. Since neither team has any shot at the Crystal Football, I don’t care about this game that much, so Stanford. Why not?

Katie: Stanford usually is better than ASU, so I’m going with the Cardinal here.

Hartley:

Brian: Props to the Pac-12 for the best looking conference championship logo. SEC takes runner-up. In DFL is the ACC. What the hell is that crap?

Tiebreaker!

That’s right. In case Hartley and the Humans tie again this week, we created a tiebreaker to figure out the season winner. It’s simple: Which two teams do you think will play for the BCS title? The Humans get one point per correct team and Hartley gets two per correct pick.

Brian: With Ohio State, Auburn and Oklahoma State – and maybe Florida State (?) – losing, my BCS title game prediction is … Alabama vs. Florida State. Because there’s no justice in the world, Alabama will stay ahead of Missouri and there’s no way the college football gods keep Alabama out of the title game. Sigh…

Katie: Florida State vs. THE Ohio State University

Hartley: With Hartley picking Florida State to cover, he guarantees the Seminoles are in. But which is the other team? Ohio State? Auburn? Missouri? With his picks, all could still be in the running…

But it’s FSU/Ohio State for the BCS game.

To recap everything:

Brian:         Missouri        Michigan St.       Duke              Oklahoma       Stanford
Katie:          Auburn          Michigan St.        Duke              Oklahoma       Stanford
Hartley:    Missouri        Ohio State            Florida St.   Oklahoma       Arizona St.

Tiebreaker:

Brian: Florida State vs. Alabama
Katie: Florida State vs. Ohio State
Hartley: Florida State vs. Ohio State

Savor the final week of college football, everybody!

Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 14 — Rivalry Week!

Welcome to the penultimate week of the college football season! With the Humans ahead by one after a Week 12 tie – the dog went 2-3 last week (40 percent) while I went 3-2 and Katie went 1-4 to put the Humans at 4-6 (40 percent) – Hartley is in do-or-die time if he wants to win the season series.

It’s rivalry week this week, which means heated games between hated rivals, close affairs that hopefully come down to the wire and awful, terrible, ugly trophies for the winners. Boots, Eggs, Bells, Platypi, Iron and Palmetto. This week has it all! So let’s get started.

As always, the point spreads are courtesy of 5Dimes

Arkansas vs. LSU (-24.5)

Brian: Yikes! LSU wins one game, and now they’re a 24.5 point favorite against Arkansas? This isn’t just a normal game, Vegas. This is the battle for the Boot! This is for all the glory of one of the SEC’s most historic forced rivalries. The winner of this game gets the Golden Boot, a 4-foot tall gold outline of Louisiana and Arkansas that weighs about 70 pounds from what I hear. It’s ugly, it’s hideous, and one day it will impale a player on the sidelines.
This year, it’ll be an LSU player. LSU probably will still be patting themselves on the back from the Texas A&M game and may come out slow, but Arkansas is pure garbage, so I’ll take LSU in this one.

Katie:  LSU. 24.5 points is a ton, but so what? It’s the end of the season, I’m going with LSU.

Hartley: 

Dog still for sale.

 

Alabama (-10.5) vs. Auburn

Brian: After LSU lost, I put my BCS title hopes on Oregon. Then they lost, and I threw my support to Baylor. Sorry, Bears. So now it’s Roll Tide Roll time! Reasons why everyone should love Alabama:

1. They play “Look Down” on third down stops.
2. A.J. McCarron chest tattoo?

That’s it, that’s the list. Still, maybe my cursed support will work. Roll Damn Tide
(I legitimately love the “Look Down” song, and it really is the only thing I like about Alabama)

Katie:  I will not get my hopes up. I will not get my hopes up.  I will not get my hopes up.  (Alabama)

Hartley:

War Dog Eagle!

 

Michigan vs. Ohio State (-14.5)

Brian: The Big Ten has a million stupid trophies for all of its so-called rivalries. The Land of Lincoln Trophy, Purdue Cannon (sadly not a real cannon), Old Brass Spittoon, Floyd of Rosedale, Heroes Trophy (boring), Heartland Trophy, Land Grant Trophy, Paul Bunyan Trophy, Little Brown Jug, Governor’s Victory Bell and Paul Bunyan’s Axe (legitimately cool) are some of the highly contested prizes in the conference, but oddly, the Big Ten’s biggest rivalry game doesn’t have a stupid little trophy. Sad face! Get your shit together, Ohio/Michigan marketers!
As for the game, Ohio State NEEDS a big win bad. The Buckeyes’ last hope is an Alabama upset and for Jameis Winston to go to prison and then MAYBE it goes to the BCS title game. But forget about that football crap, have you seen the Buckeye’s band?!? For the T-Rex alone, I’ll go with Ohio State

Katie:  SEC coach, Big 10 talent. It’s time for Ohio State to blow it. I’m going with Michigan.

Hartley:

Clemson vs. South Carolina (-5)

Brian: The Palmetto Bowl, sadly, does not have an actual trophy to hand out to the winner. May I suggest taking the sad Magnolia Bowl and plopping a tree on there? Ole Miss already broke the damn thing this year, so your work is halfway done, guys.
How great would it be to have Clemson begin and end the season by beating the preseason favorites to win the SEC East? That would be fantastic for the other Tigers, but I don’t see it happening. South Carolina needs to keep playing strong and hope to back in to the SEC title game.

Katie:  Guys, I’m going with Clemson with this one. They’ve already pulled a Clemson, so I see no reason why they’d lose this one.

Hartley:

Georgia (-3.5) vs. Georgia Tech

Brian: Some people (below) might feel sorry for Georgia and its fan base with the way this season has gone for them. Those people are nicer than I am. Hey, Georgia fans, screw you! You deserve to lose your starting quarterback! For four years you bitched and moaned when he threw an incomplete pass or an interception and never gave him proper credit when he actually won. Now that he’s done and will never wear red and black again, you act like you lost your best friend and son. Nope, doesn’t work that way. (Note, I did not say Aaron Murray deserves it because he is a respectable player. But the fan base deserves this season and this insult to injury.)
Now that my tangent is over, I expect Georgia Tech to see what the football gods have given them with these Georgia injuries and take advantage of it. This is your chance, Paul Johnson! Jackets beat the spread.

Katie:  I really hate what’s happened to UGA this year. Yeah, their fans can be bandwagony and annoying, and their coach is a crier, but losing Aaron Murray just doesn’t seem fair. If this were September, UGA would beat GA Tech by 50. Unfortunately for UGA, it isn’t, and they’re probably going to lose to an OK GA Tech team.

Hartley:

Texas A&M vs. Missouri (-4.5)

Brian: What the hell, Texas A&M? What the hell was that? No, I’m not talking about Johnny Manziel’s performance on Saturday against LSU, I’m talking about your grumpy fans and jazz-handsy cheer boys. This is the SEC. Tell your fans that if they don’t like something when visiting another school, punch an opposing fan and throw pee balloons in their face. Don’t passive aggressively complain to your Aggie brethren in a voice you know if just loud enough to be heard by opposing fans around you. You know who you are, guys in section 221, row 23, seats ~12-15.
Again, sorry for the tangent. Missouri needs to beat A&M to get into the SEC title game, while Manziel will phone it win with his Heisman chances taken away.

Katie:  I still cannot and will not get on the Mizzou train. Sure, TAMU has weird fans and even weirder dances (seriously, guys? Jazz hands and Pirouettes??). But Johnny Football needs to redeem himself in time for the draft, and Sumlin needs a big win to get the USC job. So I’m going to go with TAMU here to prematurely end Mizzou’s title hopes (which would end anyway when they play Bama in 2 weeks).

Hartley:

ULM vs. ULL (-14.5)

Brian: If LSU/Arkansas is the battle for the Boot, UL Monroe vs. UL Lafayette is the battle for the Converse (Marketing genius at work here). After dropping its first two games of the season, UL Lafayette is riding an 8-game win streak while the University of Louisiana Monroe has lost two straight. I say UL Lafayette covers against the University of Louisiana Monroe but it still won’t be enough to get them out of their third straight New Orleans Bowl.

Katie:  The only time I will every cheer for Lafayette is if they play Bama. They are not playing Bama.  Therefore, I’m going with ULM.

Hartley:

Brian       LSU      Bama      Ohio St      S. Carolina      Ga. Tech      Missouri          ULM
Katie       LSU      Bama      Michigan   Clemson          Ga. Tech      Texas A&M    ULL
Hartley  Ark.      Auburn  Ohio St      S. Carolina     Ga. Tech      Missouri           ULL

Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 5

After a boring Week 3, college football returns with a week full of good games, most notably LSU vs. Georgia. And after getting crushed by the dog last week, it’s time for the Humans to retake the lead.

 

LSU vs. Georgia (-3)

Brian: This will be LSU’s biggest test of the year. That’s exactly what was said last week. LSU hasn’t played anyone worth a damn. That’s exactly what was said last week. Stop proclaiming Mettenberger the best thing to ever step foot in Baton Rouge until he wins against a real SEC team. That’s exactly what was said last week.

Yes, Georgia is better than Auburn. No, Georgia’s defense is not better than Auburn. Yes, LSU’s defense will stop Georgia’s offense a few times. No, Georgia’s defense will not stop LSU’s offense more time that LSU stops Georgia.

LSU wins, and thereby beats the spread.

Katie: The LSU game makes me nervous.  I have no idea which is the better team, and it’s at Georgia.  So far, every time I’ve picked LSU, we’ve won the game.  I’m going to take credit for those wins and keep that streak going.  LSU wins.

Hartley:

Hartley needed to pick LSU if he wanted to get fed this week.

 

Ole Miss vs. Alabama (-14.5)

Brian: These are the two teams LSU fans love to hate. Alabama keeps beating, and then beating, and then beating Ole Miss year and year. This year is different, though, and it has everything to do will the Mannings.

Hear me out. The Book of Manning came out this week on ESPN, and if you haven’t watched it, find 90 minutes of your life to drop everything and watch it. For me, that was between the hours of midnight and 1:30 a.m. Wednesday morning. I was useless Wednesday at work, but the documentary was great. The documentary showcases Archie Manning’s junior year game against Alabama, a game which Ole Miss lost to Bear Bryant’s Crimson Tide, but only by one point, 33-32.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say the Rebels win this. I say the Manning documentary will have Hugh Freeze and the Rebels primed to upset Bama. At worst, Ole Miss beats the spread.

Hotty Toddy, Gosh Almighty, Who the Hell are we? WOOO! Flim Flam, Bim Bam, Briantology, By Damn!

Katie: It’s adorable that Ole Miss is a ranked team.  I hope their fans enjoyed it this week, because this game will knock them back out of the top 25.  Alabama all the way (ugh).

Hartley:

Hartley and I watched the Book of Manning, but Katie hasn’t seen it yet. I think that figured into the picks this week.

 

Wisconsin vs. Ohio State (-7)

Brian: I want to pick Wisconsin. I really do. Like everything in the Big 10, Ohio State is overrated. I knew Braxton Miller is overrated, and his backup Kenny Guiton proved me right by throwing for a million yards and 2 million TDs. But it’s Wisconsin. Who lost to Arizona State on the college version of the Fail Mary.

Screw it…Wisconsin beats the spread!

Katie: Ohio State is more than 7 points better than Wisconsin, so I’m going with the Buckeyes.

Hartley:

 

 

Oklahoma State (-18) vs. West Virginia

Brian: West Virginia??!?!? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH

“Bet the Farm” pick. Oklahoma State. BIG!

Katie: WVU is terrible this year now that quarterback Geno Smith is the starter for the Jets.  At least WVU allows beer sales in the stadium, because their fans are going to need it.  I’m going with Oklahoma State.

Brian: Seriously? How did we not go to the WVU/LSU game in 2011 if there’s beer?

Hartley:

Even the dog knows this will be a blowout.

 

Florida (-12) vs. Kentucky

Brian: Yikes. A backup Florida QB vs. a bad, very bad Kentucky. I’m going with Kentucky to beat the spread, and here’s why….

Florida failed to cover last week against Tennessee, and that was even with Vols QB Nathan Peterman having the worst quarterback performance ever. Seriously, 4-11, 5 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs,

Kentucky is bad, very bad (did I say that before), but the Wildcats were able to keep Louisville and Heisman-hopeful-but-will-never-come-close-because-it’s-still-Louisville Teddy Bridgewater close. Bridgewater and Louisville > Florida and Tyler Murphy. Kentucky beats the spread.

Yikes, with the exception of Oklahoma State, I’m going all underdogs here. Come on ‘dogs (not the Georgia kind), don’t let me down!

Katie: Kentucky is probably the worst team among the picks this week (How ugly would a UK vs WVU game be??).  Even a weak UF team will beat UK by more than 12.

Hartley: 

 

So to recap:

Brian               LSU          Ole Miss          Wisconsin          Oklahoma State          Kentucky
Katie               LSU          Alabama          Ohio State          Oklahoma State          Florida
Hartley           LSU          Ole Miss          Wisconsin          Oklahoma State          Florida