Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 5

After a boring Week 3, college football returns with a week full of good games, most notably LSU vs. Georgia. And after getting crushed by the dog last week, it’s time for the Humans to retake the lead.

 

LSU vs. Georgia (-3)

Brian: This will be LSU’s biggest test of the year. That’s exactly what was said last week. LSU hasn’t played anyone worth a damn. That’s exactly what was said last week. Stop proclaiming Mettenberger the best thing to ever step foot in Baton Rouge until he wins against a real SEC team. That’s exactly what was said last week.

Yes, Georgia is better than Auburn. No, Georgia’s defense is not better than Auburn. Yes, LSU’s defense will stop Georgia’s offense a few times. No, Georgia’s defense will not stop LSU’s offense more time that LSU stops Georgia.

LSU wins, and thereby beats the spread.

Katie: The LSU game makes me nervous.  I have no idea which is the better team, and it’s at Georgia.  So far, every time I’ve picked LSU, we’ve won the game.  I’m going to take credit for those wins and keep that streak going.  LSU wins.

Hartley:

Hartley needed to pick LSU if he wanted to get fed this week.

 

Ole Miss vs. Alabama (-14.5)

Brian: These are the two teams LSU fans love to hate. Alabama keeps beating, and then beating, and then beating Ole Miss year and year. This year is different, though, and it has everything to do will the Mannings.

Hear me out. The Book of Manning came out this week on ESPN, and if you haven’t watched it, find 90 minutes of your life to drop everything and watch it. For me, that was between the hours of midnight and 1:30 a.m. Wednesday morning. I was useless Wednesday at work, but the documentary was great. The documentary showcases Archie Manning’s junior year game against Alabama, a game which Ole Miss lost to Bear Bryant’s Crimson Tide, but only by one point, 33-32.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say the Rebels win this. I say the Manning documentary will have Hugh Freeze and the Rebels primed to upset Bama. At worst, Ole Miss beats the spread.

Hotty Toddy, Gosh Almighty, Who the Hell are we? WOOO! Flim Flam, Bim Bam, Briantology, By Damn!

Katie: It’s adorable that Ole Miss is a ranked team.  I hope their fans enjoyed it this week, because this game will knock them back out of the top 25.  Alabama all the way (ugh).

Hartley:

Hartley and I watched the Book of Manning, but Katie hasn’t seen it yet. I think that figured into the picks this week.

 

Wisconsin vs. Ohio State (-7)

Brian: I want to pick Wisconsin. I really do. Like everything in the Big 10, Ohio State is overrated. I knew Braxton Miller is overrated, and his backup Kenny Guiton proved me right by throwing for a million yards and 2 million TDs. But it’s Wisconsin. Who lost to Arizona State on the college version of the Fail Mary.

Screw it…Wisconsin beats the spread!

Katie: Ohio State is more than 7 points better than Wisconsin, so I’m going with the Buckeyes.

Hartley:

 

 

Oklahoma State (-18) vs. West Virginia

Brian: West Virginia??!?!? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH

“Bet the Farm” pick. Oklahoma State. BIG!

Katie: WVU is terrible this year now that quarterback Geno Smith is the starter for the Jets.  At least WVU allows beer sales in the stadium, because their fans are going to need it.  I’m going with Oklahoma State.

Brian: Seriously? How did we not go to the WVU/LSU game in 2011 if there’s beer?

Hartley:

Even the dog knows this will be a blowout.

 

Florida (-12) vs. Kentucky

Brian: Yikes. A backup Florida QB vs. a bad, very bad Kentucky. I’m going with Kentucky to beat the spread, and here’s why….

Florida failed to cover last week against Tennessee, and that was even with Vols QB Nathan Peterman having the worst quarterback performance ever. Seriously, 4-11, 5 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs,

Kentucky is bad, very bad (did I say that before), but the Wildcats were able to keep Louisville and Heisman-hopeful-but-will-never-come-close-because-it’s-still-Louisville Teddy Bridgewater close. Bridgewater and Louisville > Florida and Tyler Murphy. Kentucky beats the spread.

Yikes, with the exception of Oklahoma State, I’m going all underdogs here. Come on ‘dogs (not the Georgia kind), don’t let me down!

Katie: Kentucky is probably the worst team among the picks this week (How ugly would a UK vs WVU game be??).  Even a weak UF team will beat UK by more than 12.

Hartley: 

 

So to recap:

Brian               LSU          Ole Miss          Wisconsin          Oklahoma State          Kentucky
Katie               LSU          Alabama          Ohio State          Oklahoma State          Florida
Hartley           LSU          Ole Miss          Wisconsin          Oklahoma State          Florida

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Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 4 Results

What a disaster Week 4 was for college football. Almost as big a disaster as me updating Hartley vs. The Humans on Mondays like I try to do.

Week 4 featured a host of nail-biters, such as Ohio State’s 76-0 squeak past Florida A&M, Louisville’s 72-0 close call with Florida International and Miami’s 77-0 gutsy win against Savannah State. I realize teams can’t play good competition every week – LSU has yet to play a top-level team this year, though that will change this week – and there are some scheduling drops that force teams to pick up these cupcake games, but damn, Week 4 was a bit much.

For the Humans, at least. Hartley thoroughly enjoyed it. After posting a sub-.500 record last week, he stormed to 4-1 to take Week 4 and even the series at 2-2. Here’s the recap:

Auburn vs. LSU (-17.5)

Hartley was the only creature to pick Auburn, and after the first half, it looked like that would bite him on the butt as LSU led 21-0. Instead, Auburn came back to cover the spread in a 35-21 loss. Hartley was also fortunate with this game in that he was not actually there, out in the rain, like his two stupid, human relatives.

 

Michigan State vs. Notre Dame (-6.5)

Hartley and I both picked the Spartans in this matchup, and while Notre Dame won, the score of 17-13 was not enough to cover the spread for the Irish. I didn’t watch a second of this game so I have nothing more to add except my belief that Notre Dame is not good this season still holds up.

 

Arizona State vs. Stanford (-7.5)

This one was easy to pick. Everyone called for a big Stanford win, which the Cardinal was able to get with a 42-28 win against Arizona State.

 

Tennessee vs. Florida (-17)

This was my “Bet the Farm” pick of the week. Katie and I both thought Florida would destroy the Vols, but thanks to Gators quarterback Jeff Driskel breaking his ankle, the Vols were able to get just enough offense to beat the spread in a 31-17 loss. Hartley called that and is 2-1 when picking Tennessee this year. My “Bet the Farm” pick record is also at 2-1 now.

 

Tulane vs. Syracuse (-14.5)

Katie was the only one to pick this game correctly, mainly because she really, really hates Tulane. Hartley and I went with the Green Wave, but Syracuse destroyed them 52-17.

 

In total this week, Hartley went an astounding 4-1 (80%), while Katie and I both went 2-3 to give the Humans a 4-6 record (40%). Ouch. That puts Hartley at 13-7 this year, and I can’t repeat this enough, HE’S A DOG!

Week 5 will have better games as there are a handful of top-25 matchups, most notably LSU/Georgia.

Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 4

The best athletes play through pain and illness to lead their team to victory. This week will be a test for Hartley to see if he has what it takes to be the best as the dog has been fighting an infection all week that put him on antibiotics. And a brief stint in a cone of shame.

There are some really, REALLY bad games this week, which made finding five interesting games to pick the spread a difficult task. I could have picked the Miami/Savannah State game with its 60-point spread, but no one cares about Miami/Savannah State.

Fortunately, there’s just enough of what should be decent games to pick this week. Thanks to back-to-back week wins, the Humans have stolen the lead from Hartley 2-1. He desperately needs a win this win, so let’s hope for his sake that the antibiotics haven’t clouded his judgment too much.

As always, the spread is determined by 5Dimes.

 

Auburn vs. LSU (-17.5)

 

Brian: Last week I said I wasn’t going to pick against LSU so long as Zach Heismanberger keeps playing like a Hesiman candidate. LSU didn’t cover last week, but that was in fault to Mettenberger, who threw for 264 yards and three touchdowns in a 32-point win. It’ll be raining all day Saturday and during the game, which will make it tough for Mettenberger to keep those gaudy going, but I think with LSU’s running back and the return of the Tigers’ No. 1 running back and MVP assaulter Jeremy Hill, LSU will cover.

Katie: LSU, again, because I’m loyal.  I will never not pick LSU.  This pick was made even though I can still smell the stench of LSU’s 12-10 win at Auburn last year, an AU team that ended 3-9 and got the National Championship-winning coach fired.

Hartley:

Watch yourself, dog. We control your meds right now.

 

Michigan State vs. Notre Dame (-6.5)

 

Brian: Notre Dame is not good this year. But Michigan State hasn’t played anyone worth a damn this year, so they too might be not be good. With that being said, I’m picking the Spartans in this one on the basis that my elementary school mascot was also a Spartan. Don’t argue with my logic here.

Katie: Notre Dame, because MSU can only win big games in basketball, and ND is still a big game for them.

Hartley:

Even the dog doesn’t believe in Notre Dame.

Arizona State vs. Stanford (-7.5)

 

Brian: Arizona State got lucky, REALLY lucky last week with the ref snafu at the end of the game to beat Wisconsin. The Sun Devils have talent, that’s for sure, but Stanford is one of the best teams in the PAC-12 for a reason, and the Cardinal will show that on Saturday. Expect a big Stanford win.

Katie: Stanford, because ASU is going to be emotionally drained after that crazypants win vs Wisconsin last week.  Surely, the officiating crew from last week won’t be there to throw the game in ASU’s favor again.

Hartley:

It’s a Stanford sweep!

 

Tennessee vs. Florida (-17)

 

Brian: Tennessee has been bad for a while now, but this year’s Vol team might be the worst I’ve seen. After taking a 7-0 lead last week against Oregon, Tennessee was outscored 59-0 in two and a half quarters. Florida isn’t great this year, but it’s a lot better than Tennessee. Florida covers and this is my “Bet the Farm” pick of the week.

Katie: UF, because somewhere Derek Dooley and Phil Fulmer are laughing about how terrible UT is this year.

Hartley:

Hartley has now picked Tennessee in every game this year. He might have a crush on Smokey.

 

Tulane vs. Syracuse (-14.5)

 

Brian: All I know about Tulane is that Joe Montana’s kid plays quarterback and the Green Wave have a 2-1 record this year. Good for them! Unlike the person to whom I’m related by marriage, I like to see Louisiana teams do well, and Tulane is no exception. I’m picking the Green Wave to beat the spread.

Katie: Syracuse, because I know absolutely nothing about either team, but I never, ever, ever cheer for Tulane.  Ever.

After making my picks, I noticed I picked only favorites.  However, I usually pick against ND, so this is like picking a Katie underdog.

Hartley:

This pick was received with a big “Nooooooo” from Katie.

 

So to recap:

Brian          LSU            Michigan State     Stanford     Florida             Tulane

Katie          LSU            Notre Dame           Stanford     Florida             Syracuse

Hartley     Auburn     Michigan State     Stanford      Tennessee     Tulane

Hartley vs. the Humans: Week 3 Results

My sincere apologies for not getting this blog post up earlier in the week. I know all of you were on the edge of your seats to find out if it was Hartley or the Humans who took home the Week 3 title.

Drumroll…

Humans win! Eat it, dog! For the second straight week, the humans (narrowly) defeated Hartley. With the win, Katie and I have two weekly titles under our collective belts while Hartley has one. Still, there’s a lot of football to be played, and the fact that our wins are coming by only one game has Katie and I worried for the Humans’ future.

But first, a recap of the Week 3 games.

 

Kent State vs LSU (-37.5)

Hartley was the sole picker to guess this spread correctly. The dog picked Kent State to cover the spread, which the Golden Flashes were able to do, only losing by 32 points in a 45-13 LSU victory.

The Tigers could have covered the spread and given the Humans the win, but LSU kneeled with two minutes to go and the ball inside the red zone. The wonder of will they/won’t they cover at least kept the game interesting for those unfortunate saps who stayed for the whole game (and there were only two – Katie and I).

 

Alabama (-7.5) vs. Texas A&M

Katie and Hartley both picked Alabama to win by 8 or more points, and for most of the second half, they were smiling and counting their winnings. But then this guy named Johnny Manziel decided to stop sucking and start throwing touchdowns. Once everything was finished, Alabama won, but only by seven points, meaning I, the lone picker to take A&M to beat the spread, guessed right.

Neither I nor Katie expected the final score to be more than 90 combined points (Hartley could not be reached for comment). Is A&M’s offense that good? Is Bama’s defense that bad? Time will tell.

 

Ole Miss (-2.5) vs Texas

This was my “Bet the farm” pick of the week, and I am happy to report that I am 2-for-2 when betting the farm this year. If you don’t listen to me with my other picks – and really, you shouldn’t – you should at least listen to me with the Farm picks. I know what I’m talking about here.

Texas actually led at halftime, which made me somewhat nervous, but Ole Miss did what I predicted they would do – run the ball a lot! The Rebels ran for 272 yards against an embarrassingly bad Texas defense.

Hartley also took the Rebels, while Katie, trusting too much in Mack Brown, fell victim to the Longhorns.

 

Tennessee vs. Oregon (-28)

Oregon is really, really good. But Tennessee is also really, really bad. The Vols actually took an early lead with a first quarter touchdown to shock the nation. Unfortunately for the Vols, they couldn’t keep that success going on either side of the ball as Tennessee fell 59-14, a 45 point loss!!!!! And Oregon didn’t even score in the fourth quarter!!!!

I knew Oregon would win and cover easily. Katie knew Oregon would win and cover easily. Hartley, however, is too big a fan of Smokey and he lost. Not as bad as Tennessee lost, though.

 

Ohio State (-15.5) vs. Cal

Ohio State starting quarterback Braxton Miller didn’t even play in the game. When I heard that I thought I had this pick in the bag. Whoops.

The Buckeyes didn’t need their QB in a 52-34 rout of Cal, an 18-point win and enough to cover the spread. This was the only game I picked wrong on the day. Hartley followed my Cal pick and suffered the loss as well, while Katie went Scarlett and Gray because of her love for Urban Meyer.

 

On the week, I led the charge with a 4-1 record – by far my best week this year. Katie went 3-2 on the week to put the Humans at 7-3 for Week 3, or 70 percent. Hartley suffered his first losing week this year with a 2-3 record (40 percent). Still, for the year, Hartley is 9-6, which means he’s still making money despite him being a DOG!

Week 4 is coming and we’ll have those picks up soon. For now, let the Humans bask in their successful beating of the dog.

Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 3

It’s Friday, which means you gambling addicts have 24 hours to call your bookie and place your bets for this weekend’s college football games.

Before you go making dumb, uneducated picks, be sure to check out this week’s Hartley vs. the Humans college football spread selections. The dog may be dumb and uneducated, but for two straight weeks he has gone over .500 betting against the spread.

So check out Hartley’s picks (and mine and Katie’s as well) and then call your bookie. You’re not working today anyway.

As always, these betting lines are courtesy of 5Dimes.

Kent State vs. LSU (-37)

Brian: I said last week that with Zach Heismanberger at quarterback, I would never pick against LSU covering the spread this year. So while 37 points is A LOT of points, I’m going to have to go with LSU again. Mettenberger can’t do it by himself, and he’ll need a Odell Beckham Jr. type performance from another LSU player to cover 37 points, but I’ll stick with LSU.

Katie: LSU because I’m loyal.

Hartley:

Hartley going against the household with this pick.

Alabama (-7.5) vs Texas A&M

Brian: In the second most important game with national championship implications this week (behind LSU/Kent State), I have no idea what’s going to happen here. If Alabama wins, the Crimson Tide will easily cover 7.5 points. But Saban and the Crimson Tide now have DJ Flukergate to distract them from an already tough task of stopping Johnny Manziel. So I think A&M actually has a decent chance to win this game. My hatred of Alabama is well known and my disgust with Manziel has become apparent, so I don’t care which team wins, but I think A&M covers. Appreciate your interest in the post.

Katie: Alabama because the ‘Bama players will be too scared to piss Nick Saban off this week.

Hartley:

Roll Damn Dog

Ole Miss (-2.5) vs Texas

Brian: Texas gave up a million yards in a loss to BYU last week, an upset that rattled my Yahoo! Pick’Em league. Then the Longhorns fired their defensive coordinator and replaced him with an even worse defensive coordinator in Greg Robinson . Ole Miss will run, and run, and run, and the SEC will stop the embarrassment of losing to lower conferences. Ole Miss covers, and I make this my “Bet The Farm” pick of the week.

Katie: Texas, because it’s at home, and Mack Brown really, really needs a win.

Hartley:

Hotty Toddy, Dog Almighty.

 

Tennessee vs Oregon (-28)

Brian: The Vols covered last week against Western Kentucky thanks to five Hilltopper turnovers in their first six offensive plays. The SEC will take down the Big 12 this week, but it won’t defeat the Pac-12, at least not in this matchup. The Ducks win, and they win BIG! Yes, 28 points is a lot, but there’s no way the Vols can hang, and I don’t see the Ducks laying off the gas even with a late, big lead.

Katie: Oregon, because even if UT wins or beats the spread, their professional player outed by Yahoo! Sports will have this game thrown out anyway. (Brian: I don’t think that’s how betting against the spread works, but I won’t argue with her reasoning.)

Hartley:

Hartley won big with the Vols last week and he sticks with them this week.

Ohio State (-15.5) vs. Cal

Brian: Buckeye quarterback Braxton Miller left last week’s game with a knee injury, but he is expected to return this week as Ohio State travels to face Cal. I had doubts with Ohio State even before Miller’s bum knee, but with it and on the road, this game will be close, and I won’t be surprised if the Golden Bears pull off the upset. Cal covers.

Katie: Ohio State, because they’re really good, even with a quarterback with a bum knee. (Brian: Katie and I have apparently watched different Buckeye teams this year.)

Hartley:

Bears. Dogs. Makes sense.

So to recap:

Brian          LSU                 A&M                Ole Miss           Oregon               Cal
Katie           LSU                 Alabama        Texas                Oregon               Ohio St.
Hartley      Kent St.          Alabama        Ole Miss            Tennessee        Cal

That’s a good mix. Let’s see who’s right. (Hint: It’ll probably be the dog.)