Category Archives: DOW

Douche of the Week: The Name’s Danger, Carlos Danger

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Being a douche isn’t a 100 percent bad thing. These terrible people bring a lot of good into this world, either by people making fun of them or by their own stupidity. So this week Briantology recognizes this week’s douches who helped make the world a better place somehow. Take a bow.

Third Place: Robin #Thicke

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I don’t know much, if anything, about Robin Thicke, so I can’t really say for certain if he is a douche or not. Though the uncensored version of his “Blurred Lines” video has blogs like Jezebel declaring him guilty of douche accusations, and I tend not to argue with those evil, spiteful bitches on Jezebel.

thirdBut “Blurred Lines,” the edited version or not, has spawned some fantastic spoofs that are arguably better than the original (except for the boobies part). I watched 10 spoof videos the other night back-to-back, and while Katie maybe was going deaf, maybe was going blind by hearing 20 minutes of the same song, we both cracked up at some of the videos, especially the Jimmy Kimmell version.

Kimmel is no stranger to great music video spoofs as his classic “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck” still is one of my favorite late night TV moments.

A close second is The Pet Collective’s parody “Furred Lines.” LOOK AT THE PUPPIES!!!!

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I literally could watch these all day, but there are two more awards to hand out.

 Second Place: The Royal Baby

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Is it wrong to proclaim a 5-day-old as Douche of the Week runner-up? Maybe there should be an age requirement for this prestigious award. Plus it’s not like Prince George has done anything to earn any sort of recognition. But that’s where the Internet comes in.second

I’m no reddit expert or even seasoned veteran. I go on there occasionally when I’m bored at work and browse through the r/aww pictures. But with the Royal Baby’s birth this week, redditors powered up their Photoshop and got to work on some great baby farks.

Obvious to those who know my love of the “Lion King,” my favorite is clearly this one:

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but there are other great ones around, too.

So while the Royal Baby created a media frenzy, he also put some good Photoshop skills to work.

First Place: Anthony Weiner 

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Anthony Weiner is no stranger to Briantology’s Douche of the Week award. In fact, he was in the inaugural class back in 2011 after his first sexting scandal. After he resigned from Congress, we declared victory over the disgraced Representative, but like a phoenix rising from the ashes, dick pics couldn’t keep Weiner down the first time.

firstBut the current New York City mayoral candidate got caught with his pants down and with iMessage up as more sexting scandals surfaced. Yes, only Weiner could make America forget about Geraldo’s disgusting selfie. But Briantology comes not to bury Weiner, but to praise him. The evil that men do is remembered after their deaths, but the good is often buried with him. And awesome names like Carlos Danger will live in infamy.

Carlos Danger is the pseudonym Weiner used in his latest sexting scandal, and that name has generated a buzz around the Internet as everyone is generating their own sexting alias (if you get a pic from Ernesto Calamity, that’s from me. You’re welcome).

People are sharing their names on Facebook and Twitter, which sort of ruins the anonymity of a pseudonym. But it brought some humor to the week, so thank you, Anthony Weiner Carlos Danger. You are the first repeat Douche of the Week. Keep your head up and smile for the camera!

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Douche of the Week: From Johnny Football to Un-grumpy Angela

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Douche of the Week was a crowd favorite a few years back, and with the blog’s resurrection, I wanted to bring back this weekly column as well. In times like these, a weekly recap of the world’s worst people is something that brings people together.

Although it’s been a long time since I recognized the biggest douches in the news, but there couldn’t have been a better time to bring back the award than this week. We’ve had the Zimmerman verdict, the Rolling Stone cover, Johnny Manziel-gate, RGIII sexts and Texas capital tampon searches. All of these deserve to have some douche notoriety – and some were recognized – but these three are the biggest douches of the week.

Third Place: Johnny Manziel

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I liked Johnny Manziel last year. I rooted for him to beat Alabama, laughed at the Scooby Doo costume, pulled for him to win the Heisman and chuckled at the douche bag pictures he posted on Instagram throughout the summer. I’m done with him now, though.

thirdManziel was kicked out of the Manning Passing Academy last weekend for missing a required meeting. Reasons for the absence have not been confirmed but they range from a cellphone dying in the middle of the night, general fatigue from a busy summer, shacking up with a Nicholls State girl the night before and, the likeliest reason, drinking so much that he had a crazy hangover the next day.

I don’t care why he missed it. He’s a DOW nominee because of this: On Wednesday at SEC Media Days, Thursday at SEC Media Days, Manziel took the “I’m 20 in college, I’m allowed to do this” stance. On Thursday, A.J. McCarron, Manziel’s roommate at the Manning Passing Academy, gave his 2 cents, and I agreed with everything he said:

Wait? I agree with and respect an Alabama player’s stance?!?! DAMN YOU, MANZIEL!!!!!!

Later Wednesday, Manziel, who blamed his missing the meeting on fatigue from a busy month, flew from Alabama to L.A. to go to the athlete suckoff known as the ESPYs. McCarron, meanwhile, scoreboards him with:

Point McCarron. That’s twice you put me on McCarron’s side, Johnny. Douche!

Second Place: ABC Executives

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Elisabeth Hasselbeck was a controversial figure on The View for her politics, but at least her political opinions never caused crazy people to nearly kill others (Though official numbers are not in yet). Replacing her with Jenny McCarthy, though, is a disaster waiting to happen.

secondSure, McCarthy’s resume proves she’s a natural on reality TV. Who could forget her epic performances on MTV’s “Singled Out?” But giving her a national stage to spew her unreasoned, non-medically based opinions on whether children should be vaccinated will create more problems than good.

McCarthy has waged a long campaign against vaccination and in favor of the theory that vaccines can lead to autism in children. The theory has been widely discredited, and its critics say that it endangers children by leaving them vulnerable to disease.

So why is this bad? Can’t people voice their own opinions? Sure, but ABC execs also must be mindful that idiots watch their shows — and every other show on TV; it’s not limited to “The View’s” audience — and those idiots will follow McCarthy’s horrible advice and put their children in danger.

The LA Times sums it up best:

This is quackery begotten of fraudulence, exacerbated by mistrust of science and panic over a disorder that upends parents’ lives and their hopes for their children. Add celebrity to that already combustible mix, and you get a fiasco that has already opened the door to the resurgence of preventable childhood diseases such as measles and pertussis.

Is it too late to bring Elisabeth Hasselbeck back?

First Place: Angela Corey’s Smile

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This was the most obvious winner for the Douche of the Week. If this was horse racing, she’d be Secretariat. If this was golf, she’d be Tiger Woods in the 2000 U.S. Open. If this was the BCS championship, she’d be Alabama. ***Tear***

firstAngela Corey is not the DOW because she lost the case against George Zimmerman. I won’t voice my opinion because I won’t litter the Internet with more uneducated thoughts on the case. It’s not even Corey who is being recognized here, it’s that bullshit smile.

When the verdict was announced Saturday, Katie and I were watching the latest Dexter episode, so by the time it was over, the press conferences had started. As the seemingly happy lady prattled on, I asked Katie if she was the one who started the trial with the “Knock, Knock” joke.

Her response: Uh, that’s not the defense. That’s the prosecution.

WHAT!?!?! You mean that woman who’s grinning ear to ear is the one who LOST?

I don’t like it when players on LSU don’t look sad enough after losing a game. Or when they go up and shake the other team’s hand. Her job, though, isn’t as trivial as sports. Her job actually makes a difference to the world, and when she fails at her job, the last thing she should be doing is smiling. At least show some fake sadness, or get him to fill in…

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But don’t smile like that after a big loss, please.

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Douche of the Week … FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some of these are a bit out-of-date. Sorry.

 

Douche of the Week Second Runner-Up … J. Cheney Mason

On July 5, America was surprised to hear the Casey Anthony not guilty verdict. Well, kinda guilty. Guilty of not telling the truth to the federal government but not guilty of killing her daughters. She’s a lying bitch but not a murder.

Anyway, right after the verdict, J. Cheney Mason, one of the — but not the MAIN — victorious lawyers for Anthony comes out and issues this statement to the media.

Well I hope this is a lesson for those of you who have indulged in media assassination for three years. Bias, prejudice, and incompetent talking heads saying what would be and how to be. I am disgusted by some of the lawyers that have done this. And I can tell you that my colleagues from coast to coast and border to border have condemned this whole process of lawyers getting on television and talking about cases that they don’t know a damn thing about and don’t have the experience to back up their words or the law to do it. Now you’ve learned a lesson.

Really, assbucket? You’re going to come out after you got the luckiest verdict since 1995 and puff out your chest like you’re the man?!? You threw up a Hail Mary and it worked. You shot a full-court buzzer beater and it went in. You got a hole-in-one after your ball hit three trees and a squirrel. You got LUCKY!

Lucky that the prosecuttion crapped the bed again. Lucky the body was so decomposed the police had no evidence. Lucky the real world doesn’t work like SVU or Bones where 3-D models of the killings can be made based off one hair folicule.

So don’t come out swinging your dick when A.) You weren’t the head lawyer, B.) Everyone agrees you got lucky, and C.) Your first name is a letter. That’s pretentious, and really douchy.

Douche of the Week Runner-Up … Park 12 Cobb Stadium Cinemas

I should have known that a small company-owned theater would be bad news. I should have known when I walked in and saw that the theater didn’t have stadium seating that there was going to be a problem. Hell, I should have known by its location in Cobb County this place was going to suck.

I was an idiot.

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.” Opening night. Only the biggest summer movie in years. Yet, in the middle of the movie, the theater got some unexpected special effects when the fire alarm started going off midway through the movie.

The best part? No one moved. Because it wasn’t the siren of the alarm, just the flashing strobe light. And it all happened during an action scene, so I, probably like most of the audience, thought it was part of the battle scene to have the strobe light going off. That would have been sweet.

But no, the movie stopped on a close-up of Daniel Radcliffe’s face. The lights came on, the employees ushered us out, and then back in. They told us the movie would start soon, then later said it wouldn’t. Then they handed out free passes to any movie at that theater … in COBB EFFING COUNTY!

And the reason for the alarm? Not a fire, but a busted AC unit. Screw you, Park 12 Cobb Stadium Cinemas. Next time a fire alarm goes off, I hope it’s because someone set fire to you.

Douche of the Week … Me

This is my first post in more than two weeks, a sin in the blogging community. I apologize to my six faithful readers who expect better of me. I let you down, and for that I ask of your forgiveness.

Please know that I will do my best to keep this site updated as often as possible. I will write on weekends, birthdays, Christmas, my wedding night. Whatever it takes to win back the trust of my readership.

Briantology would not be here without the tens of site views I get a month. I accept the Douche of the Week award with my head held low and a tear in my eye.

Forgive me, readers, for I have been lazy.

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Douche of the Week: July 4 Edition

In observance of America’s awesomeness and kick-assitude, this week’s Douche of the Week is by unanimous decision. Congratualtions, England, you are one giant douche.


Monday will mark 235 years of America deciding it had enough of your shit. You would think the country would have taken the hint that maybe it should better itself, but no. It just keeps annoying the piss out of the entire world.

There’s a reason why it’s been 75 years since a British man won Wimbledon. When your entire country’s hopes rest on Andy Murray beating Rafael Nadal in a Grand Slam, you’re a joke.

That’s why your Duke and Duchess of Doucherberry get booed at when they arrive in Canada. Seriously? Canada’s making fun of you? You need to stop being a country right now.

Your honeymoon is over and the world no longer cares about your royal weddings and traditions.

 


Speaking of which, the Newsweek cover with Princess Diana was dumb and tactless, but don’t get your panties in a wad over it. It’s Newsweek, not Time. It’s not even a real news magazine anyway. That’s like Snookie being mad because US Weekly called her ugly.

Congratulations, England. It’s been 235 glorious years of not having to put up with your bullshit anymore. Here’s hoping for another 235 years of peace.

In the meantime, enjoy your Douche of the Week medal with your tea.

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Douche of the Week: Animal Edition

In an effort to raise ratings, Briantology decided to follow TV networks and present Douche of the Week: Animal Edition. Because everything is better with animals, right?

Douche of the Week Second Runner-Up … The Coyote

Isn’t he adorable!??!?!?! In New Orleans, these coyotes have been sneaking around neighborhoods, eating pets, scaring kids, lifting Acme product sales and wondering where the hell the bitches at roadrunners are.

Is this a doucheable offense? No, but I wanted to post the picture of the poor little cute coyote on the site. He looks a lot like Hartley when he’s sleeping, and that will win you an award any day of the week.

Douche of the Week Runner-Up … This Cow

In Iowa (of course), a 60-year-old woman died after she was attacked while feeding corn to her cows. Apparently, a rogue cow went Zinedine Zidane and headbutted the woman, killing her.

But wait, it gets better. From the AP story:

KGAN-TV reports deputies stood guard to keep cows from rescuers at they attended to Fee.

The cows wouldn’t even let the EMTs help the poor woman. Talk about mad cows! What could possibly cause this udder case of anger? Maybe they wanted, you know, actual grass instead of corn byproduct. Or maybe they had enough of the woman’s cold hands when they were being milked.

UPDATE: According to this , the woman died of a stroke, not the cow. Thanks, KCRG. Way to bring me down.

Douche of the Week … A Dead Marten


From Washington state, a 33-year-old man carrying a dead weasel marten knocked on some poor guy’s door and punched him out.

According to the story the weaseler went to the guy’s house to find his ex-girlfriend and:

According to police, the male victim asked the alleged assailant “Why are you carrying a weasel?”. The man replied, “It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,” before allegedly punching him in the nose.

Lesson of the story, know your weasels. A marten is a member of the weasel family by the way. So maybe the weasel marten isn’t a douche, but he was an accessory to doucheness. And post-modem doucheness will almost always earn you a gold medal.

Savior of the Week … The Missing Macaque

New thing this week where we honor the things that have made this week bearable.

Sometimes I walk into work and struggle to write clever headlines on terrible transit transportation tax stories.

And then sometimes I go to work, open my arms, and the clever headlines fall from the skies like gifts from heaven. Such was the case this week.

This week, it was learned that a macaque, a small monkey, escaped from the Yerkes center in Lawrenceville. Officials were not too pleased that the media learned of the missing monkey. Day one of my headlines:

Then the Yerkes people said it was the first time this has ever happened. Not so fast my friend, according to a local man. Day two of my headlines:

Thank you, Lord. This little monkey has put fear in a lot of people, but it saved my week. Bananas all around!

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