Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 14 — Rivalry Week!

Welcome to the penultimate week of the college football season! With the Humans ahead by one after a Week 12 tie – the dog went 2-3 last week (40 percent) while I went 3-2 and Katie went 1-4 to put the Humans at 4-6 (40 percent) – Hartley is in do-or-die time if he wants to win the season series.

It’s rivalry week this week, which means heated games between hated rivals, close affairs that hopefully come down to the wire and awful, terrible, ugly trophies for the winners. Boots, Eggs, Bells, Platypi, Iron and Palmetto. This week has it all! So let’s get started.

As always, the point spreads are courtesy of 5Dimes

Arkansas vs. LSU (-24.5)

Brian: Yikes! LSU wins one game, and now they’re a 24.5 point favorite against Arkansas? This isn’t just a normal game, Vegas. This is the battle for the Boot! This is for all the glory of one of the SEC’s most historic forced rivalries. The winner of this game gets the Golden Boot, a 4-foot tall gold outline of Louisiana and Arkansas that weighs about 70 pounds from what I hear. It’s ugly, it’s hideous, and one day it will impale a player on the sidelines.
This year, it’ll be an LSU player. LSU probably will still be patting themselves on the back from the Texas A&M game and may come out slow, but Arkansas is pure garbage, so I’ll take LSU in this one.

Katie:  LSU. 24.5 points is a ton, but so what? It’s the end of the season, I’m going with LSU.

Hartley: 

Dog still for sale.

 

Alabama (-10.5) vs. Auburn

Brian: After LSU lost, I put my BCS title hopes on Oregon. Then they lost, and I threw my support to Baylor. Sorry, Bears. So now it’s Roll Tide Roll time! Reasons why everyone should love Alabama:

1. They play “Look Down” on third down stops.
2. A.J. McCarron chest tattoo?

That’s it, that’s the list. Still, maybe my cursed support will work. Roll Damn Tide
(I legitimately love the “Look Down” song, and it really is the only thing I like about Alabama)

Katie:  I will not get my hopes up. I will not get my hopes up.  I will not get my hopes up.  (Alabama)

Hartley:

War Dog Eagle!

 

Michigan vs. Ohio State (-14.5)

Brian: The Big Ten has a million stupid trophies for all of its so-called rivalries. The Land of Lincoln Trophy, Purdue Cannon (sadly not a real cannon), Old Brass Spittoon, Floyd of Rosedale, Heroes Trophy (boring), Heartland Trophy, Land Grant Trophy, Paul Bunyan Trophy, Little Brown Jug, Governor’s Victory Bell and Paul Bunyan’s Axe (legitimately cool) are some of the highly contested prizes in the conference, but oddly, the Big Ten’s biggest rivalry game doesn’t have a stupid little trophy. Sad face! Get your shit together, Ohio/Michigan marketers!
As for the game, Ohio State NEEDS a big win bad. The Buckeyes’ last hope is an Alabama upset and for Jameis Winston to go to prison and then MAYBE it goes to the BCS title game. But forget about that football crap, have you seen the Buckeye’s band?!? For the T-Rex alone, I’ll go with Ohio State

Katie:  SEC coach, Big 10 talent. It’s time for Ohio State to blow it. I’m going with Michigan.

Hartley:

Clemson vs. South Carolina (-5)

Brian: The Palmetto Bowl, sadly, does not have an actual trophy to hand out to the winner. May I suggest taking the sad Magnolia Bowl and plopping a tree on there? Ole Miss already broke the damn thing this year, so your work is halfway done, guys.
How great would it be to have Clemson begin and end the season by beating the preseason favorites to win the SEC East? That would be fantastic for the other Tigers, but I don’t see it happening. South Carolina needs to keep playing strong and hope to back in to the SEC title game.

Katie:  Guys, I’m going with Clemson with this one. They’ve already pulled a Clemson, so I see no reason why they’d lose this one.

Hartley:

Georgia (-3.5) vs. Georgia Tech

Brian: Some people (below) might feel sorry for Georgia and its fan base with the way this season has gone for them. Those people are nicer than I am. Hey, Georgia fans, screw you! You deserve to lose your starting quarterback! For four years you bitched and moaned when he threw an incomplete pass or an interception and never gave him proper credit when he actually won. Now that he’s done and will never wear red and black again, you act like you lost your best friend and son. Nope, doesn’t work that way. (Note, I did not say Aaron Murray deserves it because he is a respectable player. But the fan base deserves this season and this insult to injury.)
Now that my tangent is over, I expect Georgia Tech to see what the football gods have given them with these Georgia injuries and take advantage of it. This is your chance, Paul Johnson! Jackets beat the spread.

Katie:  I really hate what’s happened to UGA this year. Yeah, their fans can be bandwagony and annoying, and their coach is a crier, but losing Aaron Murray just doesn’t seem fair. If this were September, UGA would beat GA Tech by 50. Unfortunately for UGA, it isn’t, and they’re probably going to lose to an OK GA Tech team.

Hartley:

Texas A&M vs. Missouri (-4.5)

Brian: What the hell, Texas A&M? What the hell was that? No, I’m not talking about Johnny Manziel’s performance on Saturday against LSU, I’m talking about your grumpy fans and jazz-handsy cheer boys. This is the SEC. Tell your fans that if they don’t like something when visiting another school, punch an opposing fan and throw pee balloons in their face. Don’t passive aggressively complain to your Aggie brethren in a voice you know if just loud enough to be heard by opposing fans around you. You know who you are, guys in section 221, row 23, seats ~12-15.
Again, sorry for the tangent. Missouri needs to beat A&M to get into the SEC title game, while Manziel will phone it win with his Heisman chances taken away.

Katie:  I still cannot and will not get on the Mizzou train. Sure, TAMU has weird fans and even weirder dances (seriously, guys? Jazz hands and Pirouettes??). But Johnny Football needs to redeem himself in time for the draft, and Sumlin needs a big win to get the USC job. So I’m going to go with TAMU here to prematurely end Mizzou’s title hopes (which would end anyway when they play Bama in 2 weeks).

Hartley:

ULM vs. ULL (-14.5)

Brian: If LSU/Arkansas is the battle for the Boot, UL Monroe vs. UL Lafayette is the battle for the Converse (Marketing genius at work here). After dropping its first two games of the season, UL Lafayette is riding an 8-game win streak while the University of Louisiana Monroe has lost two straight. I say UL Lafayette covers against the University of Louisiana Monroe but it still won’t be enough to get them out of their third straight New Orleans Bowl.

Katie:  The only time I will every cheer for Lafayette is if they play Bama. They are not playing Bama.  Therefore, I’m going with ULM.

Hartley:

Brian       LSU      Bama      Ohio St      S. Carolina      Ga. Tech      Missouri          ULM
Katie       LSU      Bama      Michigan   Clemson          Ga. Tech      Texas A&M    ULL
Hartley  Ark.      Auburn  Ohio St      S. Carolina     Ga. Tech      Missouri           ULL

Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 13

With three weeks remaining in the college football season, Hartley vs. the Humans will all come down to big games and tight point spreads.

With my recent resurgence, the Humans have won two straight weeks and now have a 1-point lead over Hartley. I would “Bet the Farm” that he stages a comeback, though, so this is a big week for everyone involved.

As always, the point spreads – and this week the over/under line – is courtesy of 5Dimes.

 

LSU (-4.5) vs. Texas A&M

Brian: As an LSU fan, this game scares the crap out of me. Will the defense, which got shredded in the second half against a good but not very explosive Alabama offense, stop Johnny Manziel? Probably not, but I’m going with blind fan optimism here and picking LSU. **Gulp**

Katie: I’ll admit that I’m pleasantly surprised that the Vegas people have LSU as the favorite in this game. I wasn’t expecting that, and it makes me dread Saturday’s cold, rainy game just a little bit less. I’m just going to hope the defense from the UF game and the offense from the UGA game come to play for LSU. I’m going with LSU to beat the spread out of blind, idiot loyalty. Also, Johnny Manziel makes me throat punchy, and I really, really want to see him lose and lose badly.

Hartley:

For sale: One back-stabbing dog!

 

LSU vs. Texas A&M Over/Under: 71 points

Brian: As I said before, I’m concerned about LSU’s suspect defense. A&M, as everyone knows, doesn’t have a good defense, so a 38-35 game is extremely likely. The only thing that could stop it is the weather, which is supposed to dump a good bit of rain on Baton Rouge come game time. Still, it rained for the LSU/Auburn game, and that game had 56 points. I’m taking the over and making this my “Bet the Farm” pick of the week.

Katie: Neither defense is good this year, with both teams only keeping the opponent under 10 once this season. I’m saying over all the way.

Hartley:

 

Missouri (-2.5) vs. Ole Miss

Brian: Ole Miss has been a pesky team this year. The Rebels have upset wins over Texas and recently against LSU, so this team knows how to beat the giants. But it’s simple for Missouri: Win and it’s in Atlanta for the SEC Championship. The Tigers need to win one of their final two games to take the SEC East, but with Missouri’s final game against Texas A&M, I think it needs to beat Ole Miss to guarantee its spot in Atlanta. I’m taking Missouri, but I’m worried about this pick.

Katie: I’m picking Ole Miss! Miracles really do happen! The introduction of Johnny Football to the SEC West came with the extra baggage of Missouri to the SEC East. I’m ready for these pretenders to go away and let the real SEC win.

Hartley:

Baylor (-9.5) vs. Oklahoma State

Brian: This game is most likely the last obstacle Baylor faces for an undefeated season. After Oklahoma State, the Bears play a bad TCU team and a down Texas team, so all it needs is a win against the No. 10 team in the nation to stay perfect and possibly play for a national championship. It’ll be an offensive explosion (even with Baylor’s injured offense) and I think in the end Baylor will leave Stillwater with a perfect record and having covered the spread.

Katie: Baylor scores a lot. I’m going with them.

Hartley:

(This looks like Hartley picked Baylor, but that’s not the case. He actually grabbed the Oklahoma State treat before I could take the picture. He then went to the Baylor photo and grabbed that treat. Notice how there is no treat on Oklahoma State and a treat on Baylor. That’s conclusive video evidence. The call on the field stands.)

 

Vanderbilt vs. Tennessee (-2.5)

Brian: Vanderbilt is bowl eligible and is riding a two-game winning streak heading into Neyland Stadium. Tennessee has gotten blown out in three straight games, albeit those games were against Alabama, Missouri and Auburn. The Vols can become bowl eligible with a win over the Dores and a win next week against Kentucky (likely to happen). But I can’t even name Tennessee’s starting quarterback because it changes every week, so I’m taking Vanderbilt to upset Tennessee.

Katie: I think these teams are pretty equal, and apparently so does Vegas. It makes me chuckle knowing that Vandy already is bowl eligible and Tennessee isn’t.  I’m going with Tennessee for this game.  They need the win more to have a chance at being bowl eligible and to prevent their coach from being fired. Also, the Vanderbilt football team has had a lot of outside distractions this week. 

Hartley:

 

And to recap:

Brian         LSU          Over          Missouri          Baylor          Vandy
Katie          LSU          Over          Ole Miss           Baylor          Tennessee
Hartley    A&M        Over          Ole Miss           Okla. St.       Vandy

Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 11 Results — Sad Face Edition

Week 11 was not kind to Briantology pickers and their teams. Everyone knows about LSU and Alabama, so let’s not dwell on that lest I might cry and/or punch my computer.

To pour salt in the wounds, the picks were not up to Briantology’s normal standards. Only one picker went above .500 in the absolute dismal week. To recap…

LSU vs. Alabama (-12.5)

Yep, Alabama won by a lot and covered. We all got it wrong. Next.

 

Oregon (-10.5) vs. Stanford

Sadly for a few Briantology readers who are also big Oregon fans, this game was a another disappointment in Week 11. Oregon came out flat for three and a half quarters. Despite a late surge, the Ducks fell short 26-20, ending their BCS title hopes. Why this brings so much glee to fans in SEC territory is beyond me, but I don’t give much intellectual credit to SEC fans, this one included.

Hartley was the only one to pick the Cardinal. He has consistently picked against the Ducks all season and he finally got the anti-Oregon call correct.

 

Oklahoma vs. Baylor (-15)

After a sluggish quarter and a half in which Oklahoma led 5-3, Baylor rattled off three touchdowns in seven minutes to basically put the game away by halftime. Baylor’s offense is really, really good, and with LSU and now Oregon out of the title picture, the Bears have surged to my BCS title hopeful.

Katie and I picked correctly, while Hartley went with Bob Stoops and Oklahoma. He apparently does not know about “Big Game” Bob’s reputation, and that came to bite him in the ass.

 

Texas (-6.5) vs. West Virginia

The end of this game was being played during the LSU/Alabama game, so last I saw, the game was a back-and-forth effort and appeared as though West Virginia would beat the spread. It wasn’t until Sunday afternoon when I finally decided to check back to college football that I saw Texas won in overtime by 7 and covered.

All of us picked Texas, so we all got a win with the Longhorns. Hook ‘Em.

 

 Arkansas State vs. ULM (-4.5)

This was another game I didn’t know who won until Sunday. After the LSU game, I turned off college football and instead opted to watch Breaking Bad. Some people cope with their team’s losses by taking drugs. I cope by watching a TV show about people making drugs. Whatever works, right?

To my surprise, Arkansas State crushed ULM 42-14. I was the only one to correctly pick the Red Wolves’ win.

 

Overall for the week, I finished 3-2, my second straight week above Mount .500 after six weeks of sucking. Katie, again for the second straight week, went 2-3 – Perhaps my sucking has transitioned to her – and the Humans finished the week 5-5 (50 percent). Hartley also struggled this week with a 2-3 (40 percent) effort. The Humans win the week and tie the series with just four weeks remaining. It’s going to be close.

Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 11 — Weekday Edition

Yes, it’s a special Thursday edition of Hartley vs. the Humans. With two top-10 matchups taking place on Thursday night, I thought it’d be nice to pick these games and let our gambling addicts get their bets in at the last minute.

With Oregon/Stanford and Baylor/Oklahoma kicking off the college football weekend and LSU/Alabama ending it, it’ll be an exciting few days for football fans around the country.

As always, the points spreads are courtesy of 5Dimes.

 

LSU vs. Alabama (-12.5)

Brian: I know Alabama is the better team and will probably win this game, but LSU and Alabama always play close games (minus the national championship game). This is how the game will go: Team A (either LSU or Alabama) will jump out to a couple of quick scores and take an early 17-0 lead. Team B will regroup and chip away at the score while shutting down Team A. Late in the fourth, Team B will take a 21-17 lead. Now, Team A might score again to retake the lead or Team B will make the critical stop to win, but either way, the point spread won’t be double digits. Last year, when LSU had no offense and had nothing to play for, Alabama won by 4. LSU will beat the spread and I pray the Tigers win.

Katie: I’m going with LSU out of loyalty and general hatred of all things Alabama.  But I think my birthday present to myself is going to be to forget that this game is happening.  Moving on….

Hartley:

 

Good boy!

 

Oregon (-10.5) vs. Stanford

Brian: Oregon running back De’Anthony Thomas promised this week that the Ducks would score 40 points against Stanford. But Oregon only managed 14 last year against the Cardinal in a 17-14 upset. Promises aside, Oregon needs to win and win big to get back to No. 2 in the BCS over Florida State, and I think Oregon covers.

Katie: I don’t understand why the PAC12 agrees to put big games on Thursdays.  If your schools can put on a game and then have classes the next day, you’re doing something wrong! Ugh.  That said, I’m going with Oregon.  They have yet to win by fewer than 3 touchdowns, and even though Stanford is better than the other teams they’ve faced, I don’t think they’re -2 TDs better.

Hartley:

 

Oklahoma vs. Baylor (-15)

Brian: Baylor is good and can score a lot of points, plus with this game being on Thursday night in Waco, I’m going with Baylor to keep its high-powered offense going and take down Bob Stoops.

Katie: I don’t like Oklahoma because their fans are whiny, and Bob Stoops is worse.  However, Baylor willingly employees Ken Starr as its president (!!!!).  I’m holding my nose here and picking……Baylor.

Hartley:

 

Texas (-6.5) vs. West Virginia

Brian: After being left for dead, Mack Brown Texas have reeled off some impressive wins to get back in the mix for their Big 12 division. West Virginia, on the other hand, has looked putrid this season. With its recent success, new athletic director and the hopes of landing Nick Saban at the end of the season, I’m going with Texas to win big in Morgantown.

Katie: WVU is really bad this year, so I’m going with Texas.

Hartley:

Longhorns sweep!

 

Arkansas State vs. ULM (-4.5)

Brian: No one outside of these two campuses and degenerate gamblers cares about this game. ULM has gotten impressive wins this season against Wake Forest, but also embarrassed themselves with a 70-7 loss against Baylor and a 34-0 loss to Oklahoma. Arkansas State hasn’t fared much better, but it hasn’t lost by 63 yet this season, so I’m going with the Red Wolves to beat the spread.

Katie: ULM.  I don’t mind them, and they annoy ULL, which makes me happy.

Hartley:

To recap:

 

Brian            LSU          Oregon          Baylor               Texas            Arkansas State
Katie            LSU          Oregon          Baylor               Texas            ULM
Hartley       LSU          Stanford        Oklahoma       Texas            ULM

Happy betting, everyone!

Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 5

After a boring Week 3, college football returns with a week full of good games, most notably LSU vs. Georgia. And after getting crushed by the dog last week, it’s time for the Humans to retake the lead.

 

LSU vs. Georgia (-3)

Brian: This will be LSU’s biggest test of the year. That’s exactly what was said last week. LSU hasn’t played anyone worth a damn. That’s exactly what was said last week. Stop proclaiming Mettenberger the best thing to ever step foot in Baton Rouge until he wins against a real SEC team. That’s exactly what was said last week.

Yes, Georgia is better than Auburn. No, Georgia’s defense is not better than Auburn. Yes, LSU’s defense will stop Georgia’s offense a few times. No, Georgia’s defense will not stop LSU’s offense more time that LSU stops Georgia.

LSU wins, and thereby beats the spread.

Katie: The LSU game makes me nervous.  I have no idea which is the better team, and it’s at Georgia.  So far, every time I’ve picked LSU, we’ve won the game.  I’m going to take credit for those wins and keep that streak going.  LSU wins.

Hartley:

Hartley needed to pick LSU if he wanted to get fed this week.

 

Ole Miss vs. Alabama (-14.5)

Brian: These are the two teams LSU fans love to hate. Alabama keeps beating, and then beating, and then beating Ole Miss year and year. This year is different, though, and it has everything to do will the Mannings.

Hear me out. The Book of Manning came out this week on ESPN, and if you haven’t watched it, find 90 minutes of your life to drop everything and watch it. For me, that was between the hours of midnight and 1:30 a.m. Wednesday morning. I was useless Wednesday at work, but the documentary was great. The documentary showcases Archie Manning’s junior year game against Alabama, a game which Ole Miss lost to Bear Bryant’s Crimson Tide, but only by one point, 33-32.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say the Rebels win this. I say the Manning documentary will have Hugh Freeze and the Rebels primed to upset Bama. At worst, Ole Miss beats the spread.

Hotty Toddy, Gosh Almighty, Who the Hell are we? WOOO! Flim Flam, Bim Bam, Briantology, By Damn!

Katie: It’s adorable that Ole Miss is a ranked team.  I hope their fans enjoyed it this week, because this game will knock them back out of the top 25.  Alabama all the way (ugh).

Hartley:

Hartley and I watched the Book of Manning, but Katie hasn’t seen it yet. I think that figured into the picks this week.

 

Wisconsin vs. Ohio State (-7)

Brian: I want to pick Wisconsin. I really do. Like everything in the Big 10, Ohio State is overrated. I knew Braxton Miller is overrated, and his backup Kenny Guiton proved me right by throwing for a million yards and 2 million TDs. But it’s Wisconsin. Who lost to Arizona State on the college version of the Fail Mary.

Screw it…Wisconsin beats the spread!

Katie: Ohio State is more than 7 points better than Wisconsin, so I’m going with the Buckeyes.

Hartley:

 

 

Oklahoma State (-18) vs. West Virginia

Brian: West Virginia??!?!? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH

“Bet the Farm” pick. Oklahoma State. BIG!

Katie: WVU is terrible this year now that quarterback Geno Smith is the starter for the Jets.  At least WVU allows beer sales in the stadium, because their fans are going to need it.  I’m going with Oklahoma State.

Brian: Seriously? How did we not go to the WVU/LSU game in 2011 if there’s beer?

Hartley:

Even the dog knows this will be a blowout.

 

Florida (-12) vs. Kentucky

Brian: Yikes. A backup Florida QB vs. a bad, very bad Kentucky. I’m going with Kentucky to beat the spread, and here’s why….

Florida failed to cover last week against Tennessee, and that was even with Vols QB Nathan Peterman having the worst quarterback performance ever. Seriously, 4-11, 5 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs,

Kentucky is bad, very bad (did I say that before), but the Wildcats were able to keep Louisville and Heisman-hopeful-but-will-never-come-close-because-it’s-still-Louisville Teddy Bridgewater close. Bridgewater and Louisville > Florida and Tyler Murphy. Kentucky beats the spread.

Yikes, with the exception of Oklahoma State, I’m going all underdogs here. Come on ‘dogs (not the Georgia kind), don’t let me down!

Katie: Kentucky is probably the worst team among the picks this week (How ugly would a UK vs WVU game be??).  Even a weak UF team will beat UK by more than 12.

Hartley: 

 

So to recap:

Brian               LSU          Ole Miss          Wisconsin          Oklahoma State          Kentucky
Katie               LSU          Alabama          Ohio State          Oklahoma State          Florida
Hartley           LSU          Ole Miss          Wisconsin          Oklahoma State          Florida