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Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 11 — Weekday Edition

Yes, it’s a special Thursday edition of Hartley vs. the Humans. With two top-10 matchups taking place on Thursday night, I thought it’d be nice to pick these games and let our gambling addicts get their bets in at the last minute.

With Oregon/Stanford and Baylor/Oklahoma kicking off the college football weekend and LSU/Alabama ending it, it’ll be an exciting few days for football fans around the country.

As always, the points spreads are courtesy of 5Dimes.


LSU vs. Alabama (-12.5)


Brian: I know Alabama is the better team and will probably win this game, but LSU and Alabama always play close games (minus the national championship game). This is how the game will go: Team A (either LSU or Alabama) will jump out to a couple of quick scores and take an early 17-0 lead. Team B will regroup and chip away at the score while shutting down Team A. Late in the fourth, Team B will take a 21-17 lead. Now, Team A might score again to retake the lead or Team B will make the critical stop to win, but either way, the point spread won’t be double digits. Last year, when LSU had no offense and had nothing to play for, Alabama won by 4. LSU will beat the spread and I pray the Tigers win.

Katie: I’m going with LSU out of loyalty and general hatred of all things Alabama.  But I think my birthday present to myself is going to be to forget that this game is happening.  Moving on….



Photo Nov 06, 9 29 54 PMGood boy!


Oregon (-10.5) vs. Stanford


Brian: Oregon running back De’Anthony Thomas promised this week that the Ducks would score 40 points against Stanford. But Oregon only managed 14 last year against the Cardinal in a 17-14 upset. Promises aside, Oregon needs to win and win big to get back to No. 2 in the BCS over Florida State, and I think Oregon covers.

Katie: I don’t understand why the PAC12 agrees to put big games on Thursdays.  If your schools can put on a game and then have classes the next day, you’re doing something wrong! Ugh.  That said, I’m going with Oregon.  They have yet to win by fewer than 3 touchdowns, and even though Stanford is better than the other teams they’ve faced, I don’t think they’re -2 TDs better.


Photo Nov 06, 9 28 41 PM


Oklahoma vs. Baylor (-15)


Brian: Baylor is good and can score a lot of points, plus with this game being on Thursday night in Waco, I’m going with Baylor to keep its high-powered offense going and take down Bob Stoops.

Katie: I don’t like Oklahoma because their fans are whiny, and Bob Stoops is worse.  However, Baylor willingly employees Ken Starr as its president (!!!!).  I’m holding my nose here and picking……Baylor.


Photo Nov 06, 9 30 45 PM


Texas (-6.5) vs. West Virginia


Brian: After being left for dead, Mack Brown Texas have reeled off some impressive wins to get back in the mix for their Big 12 division. West Virginia, on the other hand, has looked putrid this season. With its recent success, new athletic director and the hopes of landing Nick Saban at the end of the season, I’m going with Texas to win big in Morgantown.

Katie: WVU is really bad this year, so I’m going with Texas.


Photo Nov 06, 9 29 18 PMLonghorns sweep!


Arkansas State vs. ULM (-4.5)


Brian: No one outside of these two campuses and degenerate gamblers cares about this game. ULM has gotten impressive wins this season against Wake Forest, but also embarrassed themselves with a 70-7 loss against Baylor and a 34-0 loss to Oklahoma. Arkansas State hasn’t fared much better, but it hasn’t lost by 63 yet this season, so I’m going with the Red Wolves to beat the spread.

Katie: ULM.  I don’t mind them, and they annoy ULL, which makes me happy.


Photo Nov 06, 9 31 25 PM

To recap:


Brian            LSU          Oregon          Baylor               Texas            Arkansas State
Katie            LSU          Oregon          Baylor               Texas            ULM
Hartley       LSU          Stanford        Oklahoma       Texas            ULM

Happy betting, everyone!

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Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 9 — Underdog Edition

So much is going wrong for me with these against the spread picks this season that I’ve become the underdog in the family. Yes, I’m more of an underdog with my picks than the acutal damn dog.

With that in mind, it’s time for me to embrace that role and go with the dogs this week. It’s a bold move, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off.


Furman vs. LSU (-47) 


Brian: There is a lot of negativity surrounding the LSU football team these days after a disappointing last-second loss to Ole Miss last week. The betfarmTigers carry some of that upset-loss hangover into this week against Furman and get off to a slow start. While big second and third quarters will put the game out of reach, expect Les Miles to pull some starters for rest as LSU travels to Tuscaloosa in two weeks for the annual epic battle. LSU wins big but Furman beats the spread. “Bet the Farm” on this one.

Katie: Just call me NegaKatie. I’m going with Furman. No way LSU scores nearly 50 more points than the other team, at least not until we prove we can stop a team when it’s 3rd and 15 and the game is on the line. No, I’m not bitter at all. Not one bit.


Photo Oct 25, 7 58 14 AM

Wow, Hartley is the only one to pick LSU. These are dark days, indeed.


Tennessee vs. Alabama (-28)


Brian: Speaking of Alabama… I am torn with this game. Tennessee won last week against South Carolina (its first win against a ranked team in years), so will the Vols carry the momentum into Tuscaloosa and hand with the Tide, or will the win result in an already content Tennessee team to fold. I’m going with the former, and I expect Alabama to be looking ahead to its Nov. 9 showdown with LSU. Alabama wins easily, but the Vols cover.

Katie: Bama. It’s at home, and UT can’t even sell out its allotment of tickets. Which is annoying, considering this game is pretty much holding the schedule hostage for the rest of the SEC. Ugh. If the fans aren’t hyped for this game, how can the team be?


Photo Oct 25, 8 01 08 AM



UCLA vs. Oregon (-22.5)


Brian: 22.5 points is a lot against a team that was ranked in the top 10 just one week ago. UCLA lost to Stanford, but the Bruins hung with Cardinal for three of the four quarters. And Oregon did struggle in the first half last week against Washington State. Still, I am on the Marcus Mariota bandwagon (which means he’ll probably break both of his legs this week. Sorry, Kristen) and I’m going with Oregon. Quack Quack.

Katie:  UCLA. I don’t think they’re going to win this one, but they’re good and are going to keep it close.


Photo Oct 25, 8 01 37 AM (1)




Penn State vs. Ohio State (-14.5)


Brian: Penn State brought respect back to a disheveled football program two weeks ago with a triple overtime win against Michigan. Now, the Nittany Lions face the Big 10’s other darling team in the Buckeyes. I know Ohio State is good, but I still don’t trust them. Penn State will beat the spread, and I give the Nittany Lions a good chance of back-to-back upsets.

Katie: Ohio State. If for no other reason than I need to pick a team to cheer for to beat Bama in the national championship game.


Photo Oct 25, 7 59 19 AM


Texas Tech vs. Oklahoma (-7)


Brian: “Big Game” Bob Stoops still has the sting of the embarrassing pounding against Texas two weeks ago, while Texas Tech’s head coach Ryan Gosling Kliff Kinsbury has Red Raider nation and female football fans across the nation excited. Looks aside, Stoops will fold again and will be swept by the state of Texas in 2013.

Katie:  Oklahoma. The Texas Tech coach is only 5 years older than I am. I’m going with the team that’s coached by a grownup, even if it is Bob Stoops.


Photo Oct 25, 8 02 31 AM


To recap:


Brian          Furman          Tennessee       Oregon       Penn State      Texas Tech
Katie          Furman           Alabama          UCLA          Ohio  State      Oklahoma
Hartley     LSU                  Alabama          UCLA          Penn State      Texas Tech


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Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 8


Now that the government is back to work, it’s time for me and my picks to get back to get back to work. I’m blaming the previous two weeks of poor picking on the government shutdown breaking my focus and handcuffing my picks. It sounds good, right?

But no more excuses. I expect a 5-0 week this week, so let’s do this!


LSU (-9) vs Ole Miss


Brian: Ole Miss came so close to beating Texas A&M last week, but Johnny Manziel rallied and led the Aggies to 10 late points and an A&M win. Ole Miss can use that game as a motivator going into this game or they could be absolutely crushed by it. I’m going with the latter. LSU wins by 14.

Katie: LSU.  That’s all I can say after my excessive truth telling (i.e. shit talking) about Ole Miss this season.  Ole Miss’ only hope is that the football gods smite me to help them beat LSU.


Photo Oct 17, 10 30 58 PM

You’re treading on thin ice, dog!


Florida State (-3) vs Clemson


Brian: This is the ACC version of the Game of the Century, which is cute considering the winner of this game will still lose to a team it has no business losing to. This is called “Clemsoning,” and I’m going to pick Clemson in this game so the Tigers can eventually lose later this season and fulfill their destiny.

Katie: I’m going with Clemson.  Personal experience tells me to not put my trust in Jimbo Fisher’s offense, even (especially?) when it’s run by a freshman phenom.  There’s a reason Nick Saban didn’t bring that man with him when he abandoned LSU for the NFL.


Photo Oct 17, 10 31 45 PM

Clemson sweep!


Auburn vs Texas A&M (-13.5)


Brian: Auburn has looked good these past couple of weeks, beating Ole Miss and crushing Western Carolina. Auburn beat Ole Miss by 8, whereas A&M defeated the Rebels by just 3. Advantage Auburn. The Tigers won’t win, but they’ll cover.

Katie: I think Auburn has a chance this week, at least to beat the spread, so War Damn Eagle.  Last week Auburn had about as much of a bye week as a team with game could have, while TAMU played an SEC school, even if it was just Ole Miss (Ok ok, I’m done!).  I think 2 weeks to prepare for Johnny Football should at least make this game closer than 2 touchdowns.


Photo Oct 17, 10 32 45 PM

Auburn sweep!


UCLA vs Stanford (-5.5)


betfarmBrian: Stanford’s upset loss to Utah last week basically ended the Cardinal’s national championship hopes and embarrassed them and the PAC-12. UCLA comes into Palo Alto undefeated and ranked in the top-10, but Stanford will be looking to win back some respect. Cardinal cover. “Bet the Farm.”

Katie: While looking up records for this game, I realized how little I care/know about the Pac-12.  That said, I’m going with Stanford at home, because I don’t want UCLA to have a good football season after stealing the baseball title away from more deserving teams (cough…LSU…cough).


Photo Oct 17, 10 32 13 PM

Massachusetts vs Buffalo (-21)


Brian: There weren’t any other good games worth betting this week, so I wanted to have some fun with some MACtion as Buffalo hosts UMass. Knowing nothing about these two teams, I’m going to pick Massachusetts to beat the spread because after last week’s New England game, I’m convinced Boston-area teams have a lucky horse shoe shoved up their collective asses somehow.

Katie: Massachusetts has yet to score more than 17 points, while Buffalo tends to score a lot.  I’m going to go with Buffalo to beat the spread and end UMass’ 1-game winning streak.


Photo Oct 17, 10 31 21 PM

To recap:

Brian         LSU            Clemson       Auburn         Stanford        UMass
Katie         LSU            Clemson       Auburn         Stanford        Buffalo
Hartley    Ole Miss   Clemson      Auburn         UCLA               UMass

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Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 7 Recap


It looks like my birthday wasn’t a good enough reason for college football to reward me with some correct picks. Again, I failed to break .500 this week, and I’m starting to question whether I truly know anything about college football.

Hartley, on the other hand, continues to roll. And remember, HE IS A DOG!

To recap:


LSU (-7) vs Florida


LSU won this pretty handily 17-6. Some might even compare LSU to the hammer and Florida to the nail, but let’s not anger the beast with that. Katie and I both went LSU, as we are prone to do, while Hartley went Florida and lost. So far the humans are up, but that won’t last.


Missouri vs Georgia (-8)


Poor Georgia. They thought this was their year. They were five yard short of making the BCS title game last year and had high hopes that they would be there this year. That is, until every player on offense tore their ACLs.

Aaron Murray could only do so much as the Bulldogs got trounced by Missouri 41-26 and saw their BCS hopes carted off at Sanford Stadium. Hartley and I picked this one correctly, but Katie’s blind love of Mark Richt kept her on the losing side.


South Carolina (-6) vs Arkansas


Yikes, I got this one very wrong. I thought the Clowney drama would distract South Carolina, but the Gamecocks rattled off 52 straight points en route to a 52-7 win. Arkansas has now lost four games in a row, which I’m not that sad over, so maybe I should learn to avoid the Razorbacks for now.

Hartley and I missed this one, but Katie picked correctly.


Oregon (-13.5) vs Washington


Katie and I both picked Washington, and we, again, were both way wrong. The game was close for a while, and it looked like we might have a shot at this pick, but two fourth quarter Oregon touchdowns gave the Ducks a 45-24 win. Hartley was the only one to pick Oregon, much to the delight of Briantologist Kristen.

 Hartley knew what was up with the Oregon pick. #QuackQuackQuack

Nicely done.


Oklahoma (-13.5) vs Texas


God, I thought this would be an easy pick, but Big Game Bob Stoops showed once again why you can never have faith in Oklahoma. Texas, with its lame duck coach, dominated the game to win 36-20. I made this my “Bet the Farm” pick, and I couldn’t have been more wrong. Katie, too, dropped this pick.

Only Hartley was bold enough to have faith in the Burnt Orange and go Texas.


For the week, Katie and I both went 2-3 for a combined 4-6, or 40 percent. Hartley, though, went 3-2 for 60 percent and a Week 7 win. That gives Hartley two consecutive winning weeks and a commanding 4.5-2.5 lead over the Humans. Damn.

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Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 6 Results


Oh, how I hate picking against the spread sometimes. ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt has a feature on bad beats on his radio show, and on Saturday night he tweeted out after the Northwestern/Ohio State game:


I think he meant beat. Yes, it was bad, and I’ll go into detail on that later. For now, the recap of Week 6.

LSU (-9.5) at Miss St


We all picked LSU to cover, and while it was close at half — with LSU up by five — the Tigers ended up blowing out Mississippi State in the second to win by 33 points and easily cover the spread. LSU is now 3-2-1 in covering the spread this season.

Ohio St (-7) at Northwestern


This was the baddest of the bad beats. Northwestern had Ohio State on the ropes. The Wildcats led late in the game until Ohio State scored with 5 minutes left to take a four-point lead. Still down by four, Northwestern tried a last-second attempt for a touchdown and fumbled the ball in its own end zone, which Ohio State picked up to score a touchdown of its own, win by 10 points and beat the spread.

Here’s the video:

I was the only one to pick Northwestern, and I got screwed big time. This is why I don’t put money on bets against the spread.

Oregon (-38.5) at Colorado


Although 38.5 points is a lot, this was my “Bet the Farm” pick of the week, and I’m happy to announce that after two weeks of getting the “Bet the Farm” picks wrong, I’m happy to announce I got this one right. Oregon ended up winning by 41 points.

Hartley also got it right, while Katie blew it and picked Colorado.

Ole Miss (-3) at Auburn


Katie’s Ole Miss hate earned her a victory as Auburn defeated theRebels and beat the spread. Hartley and I put too much trust in Ole Miss for the second straight week, and for the second straight week, we suffered a loss.

Georgia (-10.5) at Tennessee


But then I blew this one as Georgia narrowly avoided a huge upset and won by three points. I picked the Bulldogs, but Katie and Hartley got it right by going with Tennessee.

For the week, Hartley finished an astonishing 4-1 for 80 percent. I went 2-3 and Katie went 4-1, giving the humans a record of 6-4, or 60 percent. Again, Hartley wins the week. Son. Of. A. Bitch.

To go back to the Northwestern game, if the Wildcats don’t fumble the ball on the final play and Ohio State doesn’t score the touchdown with no time left, Katie, Hartley and I all go 3-2 on the week. That one play cost the Humans a tie for the week. I hate Ohio State so much.

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