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Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 14 — Rivalry Week!


Welcome to the penultimate week of the college football season! With the Humans ahead by one after a Week 12 tie – the dog went 2-3 last week (40 percent) while I went 3-2 and Katie went 1-4 to put the Humans at 4-6 (40 percent) – Hartley is in do-or-die time if he wants to win the season series.

It’s rivalry week this week, which means heated games between hated rivals, close affairs that hopefully come down to the wire and awful, terrible, ugly trophies for the winners. Boots, Eggs, Bells, Platypi, Iron and Palmetto. This week has it all! So let’s get started.

As always, the point spreads are courtesy of 5Dimes

Arkansas vs. LSU (-24.5)


Brian: Yikes! LSU wins one game, and now they’re a 24.5 point favorite against Arkansas? This isn’t just a normal game, Vegas. This is the IOLPJOEELYXRTZI.20121124042024battle for the Boot! This is for all the glory of one of the SEC’s most historic forced rivalries. The winner of this game gets the Golden Boot, a 4-foot tall gold outline of Louisiana and Arkansas that weighs about 70 pounds from what I hear. It’s ugly, it’s hideous, and one day it will impale a player on the sidelines.
This year, it’ll be an LSU player. LSU probably will still be patting themselves on the back from the Texas A&M game and may come out slow, but Arkansas is pure garbage, so I’ll take LSU in this one.

Katie:  LSU. 24.5 points is a ton, but so what? It’s the end of the season, I’m going with LSU.

Hartley: Photo Nov 26, 10 40 05 PM

Dog still for sale.


Alabama (-10.5) vs. Auburn


Brian: After LSU lost, I put my BCS title hopes on Oregon. Then they lost, and I threw my support to Baylor. Sorry, Bears. So now it’s Roll Tide Roll time! Reasons why everyone should love Alabama:

  1. They play “Look Down” on third down stops.
  2. A.J. McCarron chest tattoo?

That’s it, that’s the list. Still, maybe my cursed support will work. Roll Damn Tide
(I legitimately love the “Look Down” song, and it really is the only thing I like about Alabama)

Katie:  I will not get my hopes up. I will not get my hopes up.  I will not get my hopes up.  (Alabama)


Photo Nov 26, 10 38 08 PM

War Dog Eagle!


Michigan vs. Ohio State (-14.5)


Brian: The Big Ten has a million stupid trophies for all of its so-called rivalries. The Land of Lincoln Trophy, Purdue Cannon (sadly not a real cannon), Old Brass Spittoon, Floyd of Rosedale, Heroes Trophy (boring), Heartland Trophy, Land Grant Trophy, Paul Bunyan Trophy, Little Brown Jug, Governor’s Victory Bell and Paul Bunyan’s Axe (legitimately cool) are some of the highly contested prizes in the conference, but oddly, the Big Ten’s biggest rivalry game doesn’t have a stupid little trophy. Sad face! Get your shit together, Ohio/Michigan marketers!
As for the game, Ohio State NEEDS a big win bad. The Buckeyes’ last hope is an Alabama upset and for Jameis Winston to go to prison and then MAYBE it goes to the BCS title game. But forget about that football crap, have you seen the Buckeye’s band?!? For the T-Rex alone, I’ll go with Ohio State

Katie:  SEC coach, Big 10 talent. It’s time for Ohio State to blow it. I’m going with Michigan.


Photo Nov 26, 10 39 17 PM

Clemson vs. South Carolina (-5)


palmettobowlBrian: The Palmetto Bowl, sadly, does not have an actual trophy to hand out to the winner. May I suggest taking the sad Magnolia Bowl and plopping a tree on there? Ole Miss already broke the damn thing this year, so your work is halfway done, guys.
How great would it be to have Clemson begin and end the season by beating the preseason favorites to win the SEC East? That would be fantastic for the other Tigers, but I don’t see it happening. South Carolina needs to keep playing strong and hope to back in to the SEC title game.

Katie:  Guys, I’m going with Clemson with this one. They’ve already pulled a Clemson, so I see no reason why they’d lose this one.


Photo Nov 26, 10 38 40 PM

Georgia (-3.5) vs. Georgia Tech


christian-robinson-tweetBrian: Some people (below) might feel sorry for Georgia and its fan base with the way this season has gone for them. Those people are nicer than I am. Hey, Georgia fans, screw you! You deserve to lose your starting quarterback! For four years you bitched and moaned when he threw an incomplete pass or an interception and never gave him proper credit when he actually won. Now that he’s done and will never wear red and black again, you act like you lost your best friend and son. Nope, doesn’t work that way. (Note, I did not say Aaron Murray deserves it because he is a respectable player. But the fan base deserves this season and this insult to injury.)
Now that my tangent is over, I expect Georgia Tech to see what the football gods have given them with these Georgia injuries and take advantage of it. This is your chance, Paul Johnson! Jackets beat the spread.

Katie:  I really hate what’s happened to UGA this year. Yeah, their fans can be bandwagony and annoying, and their coach is a crier, but losing Aaron Murray just doesn’t seem fair. If this were September, UGA would beat GA Tech by 50. Unfortunately for UGA, it isn’t, and they’re probably going to lose to an OK GA Tech team.


Photo Nov 26, 10 37 33 PM

Texas A&M vs. Missouri (-4.5)


YellLeaderBrian: What the hell, Texas A&M? What the hell was that? No, I’m not talking about Johnny Manziel’s performance on Saturday against LSU, I’m talking about your grumpy fans and jazz-handsy cheer boys. This is the SEC. Tell your fans that if they don’t like something when visiting another school, punch an opposing fan and throw pee balloons in their face. Don’t passive aggressively complain to your Aggie brethren in a voice you know if just loud enough to be heard by opposing fans around you. You know who you are, guys in section 221, row 23, seats ~12-15.
Again, sorry for the tangent. Missouri needs to beat A&M to get into the SEC title game, while Manziel will phone it win with his Heisman chances taken away.

Katie:  I still cannot and will not get on the Mizzou train. Sure, TAMU has weird fans and even weirder dances (seriously, guys? Jazz hands and Pirouettes??). But Johnny Football needs to redeem himself in time for the draft, and Sumlin needs a big win to get the USC job. So I’m going to go with TAMU here to prematurely end Mizzou’s title hopes (which would end anyway when they play Bama in 2 weeks).


Photo Nov 26, 10 40 59 PM

ULM vs. ULL (-14.5)


ConTrophyBrian: If LSU/Arkansas is the battle for the Boot, UL Monroe vs. UL Lafayette is the battle for the Converse (Marketing genius at work here). After dropping its first two games of the season, UL Lafayette is riding an 8-game win streak while the University of Louisiana Monroe has lost two straight. I say UL Lafayette covers against the University of Louisiana Monroe but it still won’t be enough to get them out of their third straight New Orleans Bowl.

Katie:  The only time I will every cheer for Lafayette is if they play Bama. They are not playing Bama.  Therefore, I’m going with ULM.


Photo Nov 26, 10 37 00 PM

Brian       LSU      Bama      Ohio St      S. Carolina      Ga. Tech      Missouri          ULM
Katie       LSU      Bama      Michigan   Clemson          Ga. Tech      Texas A&M    ULL
Hartley  Ark.      Auburn  Ohio St      S. Carolina     Ga. Tech      Missouri           ULL

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Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 12 Results — Humans on Top!


For the first time this season, the Humans have seized control over the dog and have taken the overall lead in the year-long Hartley vs. the Humans battle. That’s thanks to another above .500 effort by me and Katie’s week that was just good enough to keep the Humans on top. To recap:

Georgia at Auburn (-4)


All of us picked Auburn to win and cover the spread, and with a minute left in the game, it didn’t look good for any of us. That is, until Auburn connected for the second coming of the Bluegrass Miracle:

People have called this The Prayer at Jordan-Hare or the Immaculate Deflection. Whatever you call it, that pass perfectly sums up Georgia’s season. Let’s all pray Auburn can continue the momentum through it’s next game – a battle with Alabama on Nov. 30.


Florida at South Carolina (-13.5)


This was my “Bet the Farm” pick, and sadly, I lost the farm. Hopefully you didn’t follow my advice and you got to keep yours.

Florida led for more of the game, but South Carolina eventually clawed back and won 19-14. Still, the Gators beat the spread. I picked South Carolina, but Hartley and Katie both took Florida and got the win.


Oklahoma State (-3) at Texas


This game basically ended in three minutes in the second quarter. Texas scored a touchdown to pull within four points with three minutes left in the half, but then the Cowboys offense rattled off two quick TDs to take a 28-10 halftime lead that deflated Texas. Oklahoma State eventually would cruise to a 25-point win, giving Katie and I the win and Hartley a loss.


Stanford (-3.5) at USC


I generally make these picks on Thursday, and I made my Yahoo college football pick’em picks on Saturday morning. Between Thursday and Saturday, I switched my pick and went with USC in Yahoo. Sadly, it was too late to change it here, and I – along with every other Briantology picker – suffered a loss. Yaw Yaw, Coach O.


Miami (-3.5) at Duke


If nothing else goes right this season, at least I will always have this pick to put my hat on. I went bold and picked the Blue Devils to beat Miami in football for the first time in the school’s history, and that’s exactly what David Cutcliffe did. Duke scored 48 (48!!!!!!!!!!) points on Miami in the school’s big win. I was the only one to pick the Blue Devils and got my third correct pick of the week.

SIDENOTE: Former Ole Miss coaches David Cutcliffe and Ed Orgeron both got giant wins over this weekend while the Rebels are ranked in the top 25. It’s getting scary out there, folks.

For the week, I went 3-2 (two straight, baby) while Katie went 2-3 to give the Humans a 5-5 (50 percent) record. Hartley went 2-3 (40 percent), giving the Humans the Week 12 win. Katie and I are up 6.5-5.5 on the dog, with three more weeks to go.

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Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 12 — LSU-less Edition


No LSU this weekend means I can relax on Saturday and enjoy college football and it sadly dwindles away. Before you know it, it’ll be February and all football will be gone, leaving us with months of crappy basketball and even crappier Major League Baseball.

But for now, Hartley and the Humans are tied up with each winning five weeks and tying once. These last four weeks will decide the winner, so let’s get to it.

As always, the lines are courtesy of 5Dimes.

Georgia at Auburn (-4)


Brian: This one is tough. Georgia is beat up and can barely field a full offense, but it’s possible Auburn will be looking ahead to its next game, a Nov. 30 tussle with Alabama. With the game at Jordan-Hare, I believe the Tigers will win and cover. Also, how the hell did Georgia make it to the top 25?

Katie: “Bodygetta Bodygetta Bodygetta Bah Rah Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah Weagle Weagle War Damn Eagle Kick em in the butt, Big Blue Hey!”  Yep, that’s a real cheer, folks.  And that’s who I’m going with this week. (Auburn)


Photo Nov 14, 9 32 54 PMSuper Blurry!

Florida at South Carolina (-13.5)


betfarmBrian: Florida coach Will Muschamp got the dreaded “Vote of Approval” from Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley and school president Bernie Machen, so the Gators should be motivated to come out tough against South Carolina. But with the Gamecocks still hanging on to a shot at winning the SEC East, I don’t see Steve Spurrier losing his final conference game of the season to this sorry Florida team. Gamecocks cover, and this is my “Bet the Farm” pick.

Katie: I realize that USC is ranked 11, and that’s good, but they just don’t feel like a great team to me.  I think they’ll probably win, but not by 14, so I’m going with UF here.


Photo Nov 14, 9 30 55 PM

Oklahoma State (-3) at Texas


Brian: Texas has been on a roll recently, but aside from Oklahoma, which we all saw isn’t THAT good of a team last week in its beatdown to Baylor, the Longhorns haven’t played any good team. I put a lot of confidence in Oklahoma State when they got upset by West Virginia, but I’ll give them a second chance and take Okie State and the points.

Katie: I’m going with the team that’s coached by the man, (Brian: This makes me so happy) not the old guy.  Also, wishful thinking makes me want UT to fire Mack Brown this year to get Saban out of the SEC (even if Saban at Texas could be very, very scary).  OK State wins by more than 3.


Photo Nov 14, 9 32 00 PM

Stanford (-3.5) at USC


Brian: Now that Lane Kiffin has been fired and still waiting for a ride back to campus, Southern California is back to its winning ways. Ed Orgeron has the Trojan nation rejoicing once more, and the school announced this week that the LA Colliseum is sold out for the first time this season. Can USC keep winning and upset Stanford? In a word, No. Cardinal win by a touchdown.

Katie: I’m going with Stanford.  I still don’t like USC, and their coach is a buffoon.


Photo Nov 14, 9 32 24 PM

Miami (-3.5) at Duke


Brian: Duke is enjoying another bowl-eligible season, but this matchup in the past has been all Miami. In fact, the Canes have never lost to the Blue Devils, until this week. David Cutcliffe leads his Dookies to a program-changing upset on Saturday.

Katie: The start of basketball season signals the end of football season at Duke.  Miami beats Duke and covers the spread.


Photo Nov 14, 9 31 31 PM

And to recap:

Brian         Auburn         S. Carolina      Oklahoma St.         Stanford          Duke
Katie         Auburn         Florida              Oklahoma St.         Stanford          Miami
Hartley     Auburn         Florida              Texas                        Stanford          Miami

SIDENOTE: Originally, I gave Katie the Clemson/Georgia Tech game, not knowing that it was a Thursday night game. She picked “Clemson has already lost its important game, so I see no reason why they won’t win this one.  Clemson beats the spread. (Which was 10.5)” Clemson won 55-31. While it won’t count in the Hartley vs. The Humans standings, I wanted to give Katie her much deserved accolades.

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Hartley vs. The Humans: Week 5


After a boring Week 3, college football returns with a week full of good games, most notably LSU vs. Georgia. And after getting crushed by the dog last week, it’s time for the Humans to retake the lead.


LSU vs. Georgia (-3)


Brian: This will be LSU’s biggest test of the year. That’s exactly what was said last week. LSU hasn’t played anyone worth a damn. That’s exactly what was said last week. Stop proclaiming Mettenberger the best thing to ever step foot in Baton Rouge until he wins against a real SEC team. That’s exactly what was said last week.

Yes, Georgia is better than Auburn. No, Georgia’s defense is not better than Auburn. Yes, LSU’s defense will stop Georgia’s offense a few times. No, Georgia’s defense will not stop LSU’s offense more time that LSU stops Georgia.

LSU wins, and thereby beats the spread.

Katie: The LSU game makes me nervous.  I have no idea which is the better team, and it’s at Georgia.  So far, every time I’ve picked LSU, we’ve won the game.  I’m going to take credit for those wins and keep that streak going.  LSU wins.


Photo Sep 26, 9 47 36 PM

Hartley needed to pick LSU if he wanted to get fed this week.


Ole Miss vs. Alabama (-14.5)


Brian: These are the two teams LSU fans love to hate. Alabama keeps beating, and then beating, and then beating Ole Miss year and year. This year is different, though, and it has everything to do will the Mannings.

Hear me out. The Book of Manning came out this week on ESPN, and if you haven’t watched it, find 90 minutes of your life to drop everything and watch it. For me, that was between the hours of midnight and 1:30 a.m. Wednesday morning. I was useless Wednesday at work, but the documentary was great. The documentary showcases Archie Manning’s junior year game against Alabama, a game which Ole Miss lost to Bear Bryant’s Crimson Tide, but only by one point, 33-32.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say the Rebels win this. I say the Manning documentary will have Hugh Freeze and the Rebels primed to upset Bama. At worst, Ole Miss beats the spread.

Hotty Toddy, Gosh Almighty, Who the Hell are we? WOOO! Flim Flam, Bim Bam, Briantology, By Damn!

Katie: It’s adorable that Ole Miss is a ranked team.  I hope their fans enjoyed it this week, because this game will knock them back out of the top 25.  Alabama all the way (ugh).


Photo Sep 26, 9 45 20 PMHartley and I watched the Book of Manning, but Katie hasn’t seen it yet. I think that figured into the picks this week.


Wisconsin vs. Ohio State (-7)


Brian: I want to pick Wisconsin. I really do. Like everything in the Big 10, Ohio State is overrated. I knew Braxton Miller is overrated, and his backup Kenny Guiton proved me right by throwing for a million yards and 2 million TDs. But it’s Wisconsin. Who lost to Arizona State on the college version of the Fail Mary.

Screw it…Wisconsin beats the spread!

Katie: Ohio State is more than 7 points better than Wisconsin, so I’m going with the Buckeyes.


Photo Sep 26, 9 44 58 PM



Oklahoma State (-18) vs. West Virginia



“Bet the Farm” pick. Oklahoma State. BIG!


Katie: WVU is terrible this year now that quarterback Geno Smith is the starter for the Jets.  At least WVU allows beer sales in the stadium, because their fans are going to need it.  I’m going with Oklahoma State.

Brian: Seriously? How did we not go to the WVU/LSU game in 2011 if there’s beer?


Photo Sep 26, 9 45 49 PMEven the dog knows this will be a blowout.


Florida (-12) vs. Kentucky


Brian: Yikes. A backup Florida QB vs. a bad, very bad Kentucky. I’m going with Kentucky to beat the spread, and here’s why….

Florida failed to cover last week against Tennessee, and that was even with Vols QB Nathan Peterman having the worst quarterback performance ever. Seriously, 4-11, 5 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs,

Kentucky is bad, very bad (did I say that before), but the Wildcats were able to keep Louisville and Heisman-hopeful-but-will-never-come-close-because-it’s-still-Louisville Teddy Bridgewater close. Bridgewater and Louisville > Florida and Tyler Murphy. Kentucky beats the spread.

Yikes, with the exception of Oklahoma State, I’m going all underdogs here. Come on ‘dogs (not the Georgia kind), don’t let me down!

Katie: Kentucky is probably the worst team among the picks this week (How ugly would a UK vs WVU game be??).  Even a weak UF team will beat UK by more than 12.


Photo Sep 26, 9 46 59 PM


So to recap:

Brian               LSU          Ole Miss          Wisconsin          Oklahoma State          Kentucky
Katie               LSU          Alabama          Ohio State          Oklahoma State          Florida
Hartley           LSU          Ole Miss          Wisconsin          Oklahoma State          Florida

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