Pandora Plays Classic Country

Before I begin with Wednesday’s playlist, I have some housekeeping to do. The Zoolander gif got me so excited I forgot to mention that with yesterday’s run, I moved on to another notch in the green level of the Nike Plus running thing. There are seven different color levels on the Nike Plus — yellow, orange, green, blue, purple, black and neon yellow — and I have no idea what happens when you reach black, but I’m progressing toward that, so that’s cool.

OK, now on to the run. Atlanta and Louisiana summers share a lot of similarities. Both of them have stretches of temperatures above 90 degrees that make Southerners roll our eyes when news reports talk about how New Englanders are struggling when a heat wave hits their area for a week or so.

But one thing I had forgotten about Louisiana summers that the damn Gulf Coast climate keeps reminding me about is the slew of summer showers. These showers last about 10 or 20 minutes, not long enough to break the heat, but long enough to make everything wet, steamy and humid. That humidity makes already difficult running conditions nearly impossible to battle.

That happened Wednesday as I got ready to run after work. The sun was out and a five-minute shower started. Tempted to get back on the sofa and call off the run, I somehow managed to get out there. I would regret that later.

As for the music, I had yet to listen to any country music, so that’s what I went with on Wednesday. Classic Country. Because if you’re going country, you can’t half-ass it.

Hank Williams — “Hey Good Lookin’”

I immediately regret this station.

When I was around 10 or 11, I listened to Garth Brooks a lot. In fact, the first CD I ever bought was Garth Brooks’ “Fresh Horses.” But that doesn’t mean I like country music.

Garth Brooks is to country music what Bud Light is to beer. People love Garth Brooks. Hardly anyone really HATES Garth Brooks. And if Garth Brooks is the only music available to listen to, then you’re going to stomach it. Same with Bud Light.

As for the song — slow, twangy, nothing exciting; exactly what you’d expect from a classic country song.

(These songs are graded on a VERY generous scale)

Song Energy: 3/10
Run Motivation: 3/10
Southern Level: Says Coke, Not Pop
Overall: C

Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson — “A Good Hearted Woman”

Waylon Jennings will be a running theme in this playlist. Side note: This might be the first Willie Nelson song I’ve listened to for its entirety.

Johnny Cash — “Ring of Fire”

One mile is done and I can see the steam rising from the sidewalk. A ring of fire might be preferable to this.

Jeannie C. Riley — “Harper Valley PTA”

I wanted to go all-in when choosing a country station. I didn’t want to pick Bud Light. I wanted a full-bodied stout, something whose head wouldn’t fall apart after two minutes.

I could have gone the safe route and chosen Today’s Country, Country Pop or Country Rock, but I didn’t want Miranda Lambert, Lady Antebellum, Randy Travis (Get well soon) or Taylor Swift. I wanted this, and Pandora is giving me exactly what I asked for.

I heard “Harper Valley PTA” before, but never really listened to the lyrics. I had no idea it was about a feisty, slutty milf.

The note said, “Mrs. Johnson, you’re wearing your dresses way too high

It’s reported you’ve been drinking and a-runnin’ ’round with men and going wild

And we don’t believe you ought to be bringing up your little girl this way”

It was signed by the secretary, Harper Valley P.T.A.

Little gems like these are why I’m enjoying the Pandora challenge.

Song Energy: 4/10
Run Motivation: 2/10
Southern Level: Muddin’ on a Friday Night
Overall: C+

Alabama — “High Cotton”

I refuse to enjoy anything with Alabama in its name.

George Jones — “The Grand Tour” (Clean version)

Pandora has this as a Clean Version, but I’m not sure what that means. It’s a sad song as George Jones tours his vacant home after his wife left, but I’m not sure why it needed to be cleaned.

Also, I can’t find an “Explicit Version” anywhere online. Is there an extra recording where George Jones goes Eminem and drowns the ex-wife for taking his kid in the divorce? If so, that would blow the Harper Valley surprise out of the water.

Johnny Cash — “Get Rhythm”

Classic country only has one singer: Johnny Cash.

Waylon Jennings — “Theme From The Dukes of Hazzard”

Now this is what I was expecting. Waylon Jennings gets a comeback with the biggest South-uniting song next to “Dixie.”

I have worked in both locations where “The Dukes of Hazzard” movie was shot — Baton Rouge and Covington, Ga. Also, I covered football games in Coweta County, Ga., where the original TV show was filmed, so I have some Duke street cred.

If I’m going with a theme song to a show about rebel Southerners in fast cars, I’m picking “Eastbound and Down” from Smoky and the Bandit, but Jennings’ theme comes in a close second.

By the way, the heat is getting ridiculous now. The hen-house is empty, the fox is lickin’ off chicken feathers and the Giandelone’s goose is about to be cooked.

Song Energy: 6/10
Run Motivation: 5/10
Southern Level: Confederate Flag (It’s ‘bout heritage, y’all)
Overall: B

Conwy Twitty — “Hello Darlin’”

I always though Conway Twitty was just someone Family Guy made fun of. I didn’t know he had enough clout to make a Pandora playlist. One mile to go.

Waylon Jennings — “The Conversation”

Correction: Classic country has only two singers: Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings.

Sammy Kershaw — “He Stopped Loving Her Today”

Holy crap. A few more blocks.

Loretta Lynn — “Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man”

There are worse ways to end the run, so at least a somewhat up-tempo song is a welcome way to end. Though at this point anyway to end works for me.

I’m not sure why, but I heard this song a lot at LSU tailgates when I wrote a football tailgating column in 2005. I can see the obvious reason, but there are other songs with Louisiana in them that have to be more fitting for football tailgates than this right?

Also, according to the song, the two are separated by the Mississippi River that is filled with alligators on its banks. But the river separates the two states in the middle and northern parts of the states. Alligators, I believe, are all located in the southern Louisiana swamps. I’m no fisheries expert, but something seems wrong.

Song Energy: 6/10
Run Motivation: 4/10
Southern Level: Y’all
Overall: B

The South will rise again, Yee Haw! OK, classic country didn’t get me that excited, but it was just what I expected, and that’s not a bad thing. I did enjoy the station more than I thought I would. I’m still not drinking the Guinness of country, but maybe now I was move from my Bud Light to a Bud Heavy every now and then.