Monthly Archives: June 2011

My Letter to Caribou Coffee


I lost a loved one today as I learned the Wild Berry Smoothie was removed from the Caribou Coffee menu. If you haven’t ever had one, you missed out on a strawberry, blueberry amalgamation of delicious proportion.

I also envy you because unlike me, you do not have to live with the disappointment that I must face.

When I got home, I quickly got on my Google machine and penned the following letter that I thought I would share with you.

Dear Caribou Coffee,

For the past three years I have cooled off from the enslaving Atlanta summer heat with one of your refreshing Wild Berry smoothies. After a crushing 95-plus-degree day in the Georgia capital today, I opted to visit your store to find relief in one of your beverages. With heartbreak, I was informed the Wild Berry smoothie was removed from your menu, leaving Strawberry Banana, Pineapple Coconut, Mango Orange Key Lime (seriously? Who thought of this one?) and White Peach Berry.

I am crushed, and all I want to know is why. Why did you take away one of the greatest menu items not only in nationwide coffee shops, but also any dining establishment. I have had the Wild Berry smoothies at McDonalds before, and they can not touch your smoothie. Yours is, to be frank, the best.

Coconut leaves my stomach with haunting nightmares; unless you love peaches like the mid-90s hit song says, the fruit should never be made into liquid form; Strawberry Banana (the flavor I chose after picking my jaw up from the floor from my wild berry discovery) is good, but not great; and Mango Orange Key Lime is not so much a flavor as it is a creation not unlike Frankenstein’s monster.

I implore you to reconsider your decision and reinstate Wild Berry smoothies in your smoothie rotation. I enjoy Caribou Coffee so much, but without my favorite summer beverage, it might be time for us to take a break.

Thank you for listening.

Brian Giandelone

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Douche of the Week

We’re changing things up a bit this week as instead of the Douche of the Week awards, Briantology will hand out the Awesome Douches of the Week awards. While still kind of dicks, they at least were awesome in their dickeration to deserve a round of applause.

Awesome Douche of the Week Second Runner-Up … Joseph Hayes

This story is a bit old, but in case you didn’t hear about it, a 48-year-old Memphis man was arrested at a child’s birthday party for bringing a gun after his kid didn’t get any ice cream.

According to the story from the Commercial Appeal:

According to a police affidavit, Hayes became upset and began yelling at the victim because “Y’all didn’t save my kids no damn ice cream and cake.”

Hayes then left the party and went to his apartment.

According to the affidavit, he returned with a small black handgun tucked into the back of his pants, approached the host, lifted up his shirt and said, “I ain’t scared to go to jail, just take care of my kids.”

With Father’s Day tomorrow, I want to give Joseph Hayes a round of applause. This man seriously cares about his kids and their receiving ice cream and cake. With so many dads out there who don’t give a crap about their kids, it’s sort of refreshing to read a story like this. Say what you want about how dumb this guy is fro bringing a gun to a birthday party, but he just earned my Father of the Year nomination.

Awesome Douche of the Week Runner-Up … Sandy Hadsock

64-year-old Florida teach Sandy Hadsock made headlines a while back for punching a student in the face. Turns out she TOTALLY was justified.

Cell phone videos are a bitch today, and one caught the student trying to fight Hadsock, calling her “vulgar” names before she reacted.

“I told you, step back,” the much taller boy shouts at Hadsock before she busts his lip.

Even better than a 64-YEAR-OLD beating up a teenager is that she doesn’t regret anything she did.

“I’m really sorry that I was put in a situation where that’s what I felt like I had to do,” she tells “Today.” “I had to defend myself from this violent person.”

The school board is obviously looking into whether she should come back to teach. As I’ve written before, hurting kids is bad, but this is just awesome.

Awesome Douche of the Week … Some guy

I say some guy because I cannot find his name anywhere on the Internet. A story from Northern Virginia, his guy (allegedly) crashed into a taxi cab … while he was drunk … going 85 mph … and having sex at the same time.

Whoa.

From the pending lawsuit in the Washington Post:

Paragraph 10. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was going 85 miles per hour.”
Paragraph 12. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was having sex with a female.”
Paragraph13. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was driving admittedly drunk.”
Paragraph 14. “At the time of the accident, Defendant was partially or totally in the backseat of the car.”

Best line of that story: Wait, WHA? 85 miles per hour? The backseat? And what happened to paragraph 11?

Driving drunk is a bad idea. Driving 85 mph not on the interstate is a bad idea. But having sex in a moving car, I tip my hat to you. I’m not sure if many people could do it sober going 10 mph.

Being that no one was killed, I call this story awesome. I admire this guy’s sex drive. (Ha!)

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Left … left … left, riot, left

Oh, Canada. SMH

My future honeymoon just got a bit more interesting. Here I thought we were going to a place of peace and tranquility when Katie and I decided to go to Vancouver. Instead, apparently we’re going to the land of angry sore losers.

Shoot 'em, Buckeyes. Across the field and in the face.

I will never understand the impulse of turning to violence after a big win or a gut-busting loss in sports. Maybe it’s because I’m not from Columbus, Ohio, or West Virginia, but the act of destroying your own property after defeat just seems like pouring salt in the wound.

You already lost. Your beloved Canucks, Buckeyes, Mountaineers, whoever came up short, and to top it all off, you’re going to destroy your own property? Da fuck?! Don’t you think that’s a bit counterproductive?

Why take this hostility out on your own city? Hell, in the case of last night, drive across the border and destroy America’s shit. Yeah, you’re a million miles away from Boston, but knocking out some trees in Washington state will at least be destroying something Boston’s parents own.

Instead, those silly Canadians, eh, they took out Vancouver’s main shopping district, stabbed ten people (In all honesty, I’m not sure of their nationality. With my hate of all things Boston, if they were Bruins fans, then bravo) and burned 15 cars.

Where do these people find the energy to do all this after a loss this big? When LSU lost to Arkansas in 2007, seemingly eliminating the Tigers from national title contention, I couldn’t move from my chair for more than two hours. I canceled all plans to go out because I was so upset. I couldn’t even eat for more than a day because of depression.

I could never find the energy to burn a car after a loss like that.

But I guess Vancouver has been training for riots like these for a while now. 1994, 2010 and now. Maybe after a couple more Game 7 losses, the city will be able to riot for weeks rather than just one night. It’s like long-distance running. The Canucks are slowly building their rioting endurance for the marathon riot coming when the world ends.

Perhaps these Canadians are on to something. Perhaps after an LSU or Saints loss I should take to the street. When Armageddon comes, I need to be ready to loot stores and burn shit (obviously I didn’t learn my lesson during Katrina).

Fire, violence and losing makes me so horny

And if I suck at it, at the the very least it should be fun. I mean, those people at right seem to be enjoying themselves. And they’re losers.

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Uggghh…. Canada…

Hey, Canada, SCREW YOU!

What the crap is this?

I try my best to be Canadian for a few hours. I cheer for the Canucks, I ended every sentence in eh, I even threw away my dollar bills and tried to pay with Monopoly money, and I learned one valuable lesson — Canada blows!

There are reasons us Americans make fun of you, and I’m sure one of them is because your damn hockey team loses Game 7 to the fucking Boston Bruins. Asshat! Make that America’s Asshat!

I feel sick for trying to be Canadian. Almost as sick as after watching Two Girls, One Stanley Cup.

Please forgive me, Uncle Sam. I’m so sooorry, er, sorry. I promise never to cheer for a Canadian team ever again. I’ll go buy a gun. I’ll drink only Budweiser. I’ll trade in my car for a 3-mile-per-gallon truck. I’ll do the McDonald’s trifecta every day. Please take me back.

Because Canada sucks, eh.

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Ohhhhh… Canada!!!!!!

For tonight only, I am forgoing my American citizenship and switching to Canadian, eh. For tonight, my beloved team of a month, the Vancouver Canucks, face those nasty Yanks in the Boston Bruins, eh. With my impending vacation to Vancouver and my desire to visit a place that actually wins hockey games, I’m shouting “Let’s go, Nucks!” from the top of my lungs, eh.

So here’s to Roberto Luongo stopping the pucks shot from those chaps from Canada’s jorts, eh. Here’s to the Sedin twins making Tim Thomas wish his country was awesome enough to have universal health care, eh. And here’s to Alex Burrows actually biting off a finger from those Bruins, eh.

Gather the Molson Ice, put on your favorite beaver felt underpants and get ready to party Canada style — aka until 9 p.m., eh.

Gooooooooooooooooooooo, Canada!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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