Douche of the Week: Animal Edition

In an effort to raise ratings, Briantology decided to follow TV networks and present Douche of the Week: Animal Edition. Because everything is better with animals, right?

Douche of the Week Second Runner-Up … The Coyote

Isn’t he adorable!??!?!?! In New Orleans, these coyotes have been sneaking around neighborhoods, eating pets, scaring kids, lifting Acme product sales and wondering where the hell the bitches at roadrunners are.

Is this a doucheable offense? No, but I wanted to post the picture of the poor little cute coyote on the site. He looks a lot like Hartley when he’s sleeping, and that will win you an award any day of the week.

Douche of the Week Runner-Up … This Cow

In Iowa (of course), a 60-year-old woman died after she was attacked while feeding corn to her cows. Apparently, a rogue cow went Zinedine Zidane and headbutted the woman, killing her.

But wait, it gets better. From the AP story:

KGAN-TV reports deputies stood guard to keep cows from rescuers at they attended to Fee.

The cows wouldn’t even let the EMTs help the poor woman. Talk about mad cows! What could possibly cause this udder case of anger? Maybe they wanted, you know, actual grass instead of corn byproduct. Or maybe they had enough of the woman’s cold hands when they were being milked.

UPDATE: According to this , the woman died of a stroke, not the cow. Thanks, KCRG. Way to bring me down.

Douche of the Week … A Dead Marten

From Washington state, a 33-year-old man carrying a dead weasel marten knocked on some poor guy’s door and punched him out.

According to the story the weaseler went to the guy’s house to find his ex-girlfriend and:

According to police, the male victim asked the alleged assailant “Why are you carrying a weasel?”. The man replied, “It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,” before allegedly punching him in the nose.

Lesson of the story, know your weasels. A marten is a member of the weasel family by the way. So maybe the weasel marten isn’t a douche, but he was an accessory to doucheness. And post-modem doucheness will almost always earn you a gold medal.

Savior of the Week … The Missing Macaque

New thing this week where we honor the things that have made this week bearable.

Sometimes I walk into work and struggle to write clever headlines on terrible transit transportation tax stories.

And then sometimes I go to work, open my arms, and the clever headlines fall from the skies like gifts from heaven. Such was the case this week.

This week, it was learned that a macaque, a small monkey, escaped from the Yerkes center in Lawrenceville. Officials were not too pleased that the media learned of the missing monkey. Day one of my headlines:

Then the Yerkes people said it was the first time this has ever happened. Not so fast my friend, according to a local man. Day two of my headlines:

Thank you, Lord. This little monkey has put fear in a lot of people, but it saved my week. Bananas all around!

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